


At Your Discretion

by Colamiilk



Series: Left Unsaid [1]
Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, At least it tries to be, BJ Arachne Stein and a few others also show up but not enough for a tag, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Compliant, Character Development, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, REALLY slow, Self-Indulgent, Slow Burn, Starts right before Justin's first appearance, anime-verse, like really self indulgent, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2020-04-11 16:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19113547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colamiilk/pseuds/Colamiilk
Summary: It only made sense Justin would grow up at some point or another. Everyone did eventually. So it was expected that one day their wide eyed scythe would find himself realizing just where he was, and just what he was doing. What was less expected was the choices he made from there.





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> This will start out slow but keep ramping up as things go along, please keep that in mind and pay attention to the tags. I'll give extra warnings at the beginning of especially heavy chapters too, please keep your eye out for those if you're worried.

Justin lived a pretty quiet unassuming life when he wasn’t under the direct orders of Lord Death. He wasn’t a pleasure seeker and while he was the official Scythe of the Western European branch of the DWMA they really didn’t need a full fledged Death Scythe very often. Jobs that big were, thankfully, hard to come by. So he spent most of his days doing random busy work and listening to music, waiting for when he’d inevitably be called upon. 

It was boring in a sense, but he liked it that way. He liked monotonous, he liked expectedness. Surprises had never really been fun for him, so this life was nice. He got enough excitement when did actually need him somewhere anyway. This was like a break, a warm silence that let his mind wander to a peaceful blank with worries no greater then what he was going to do tomorrow. 

That’s why he felt Asura awakening immediately. Like a lighting bolt crashing through his brain. 

Well, maybe that was dramatic. It hadn’t been anything completely life changing but Justin had been on the street, in the warm sun laughing politely at one of his old neighbor’s jokes about his headphones. It was nice, she was sweet, Justin knew her relatively well and while he preferred to keep to himself he helped her every once and a while. Her jokes were light hearted, filled with a certain sense of playful reprimanding but nothing serious. Nothing harsh or biting. Justin knew that. He knew it was a joke and he actually found it funny. 

But with a gust of cold air it suddenly didn’t feel like a joke anymore. A cloud rolled over the bright sun and Justin’s smile turned down uncomfortably. All at once her laugh seemed to turn into something mocking and Justin’s expression fell into something confused and displeased and  _ upset _ . He still laughed and tried to smile along before finishing helping her but she could tell his heart wasn’t in it anymore. 

It had been so unexpected and weird and shocking that he hadn’t been able to hide his distress until it was too late. He felt awful and apologized, saying he wasn’t sure what was wrong. She only shook her head and told him in that sweet grandmotherly tone to get some rest and not worry about it. He knew she wasn’t upset with him, but suddenly he found himself very nervous of the world around him. He felt exposed just being out in public, he felt like he was something weird that stood out and was being gawked at. He flushed and apologized again with a bow that was far too deep for such a minor problem before turning on his heel and leaving in a hurry. 

He didn’t need to look back to know he probably had made himself look worse with that. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. It took all his self control not to run as he walked down the bright streets lined with flowers and people all going about their business happily. Everything was fine around him- but he wasn’t. He wasn’t and it was making him panic more. He felt like he was ruining the calm even though he knew no one was paying him any mind. The thoughts that were swirling around in his head nipped at his heels, promising to pull him down further if he dared to stop.

Justin swallowed thickly and started to push himself faster. The dress shoes he was wearing weren’t made for this and he could feel blisters forming every time the soles of his feet rocked against the ground and threw him forward. He’d grow into them his ass. It had been years now and they still were gaping around his ankles. It was getting to the point where it was unignorable, where he knew he’d have to give up on them and try ones that fit him better. He knew that, but it was always hard to throw out a gift. 

The Western branch of the DWMA wasn’t very far at all but by the time Justin made it inside his feet were aching and sore. He had been trying too hard to hold himself together and been stomping his feet far harder than he should’ve. And now he was paying the price. Each step he took through the building was accompanied with a hot stab of pain that traveled up his leg and made his smile feel more and more forced. Everyone was talking amongst themselves, a few people smiled at him, a couple people bowed their heads, but everything was normal.

Everything but him.

He felt like his head was made out of mashed up clay. Like someone had found him and pulled his head and neck two seperate directions and let it stretch and bend into something unrecognizable. He couldn’t really see. Well he could but nothing was processing right. It felt like the world around him was on a flickering projector. He found himself confused as to why exactly he had come here. Somehow he had completely forgotten what he was trying to do. 

Wandering over to the winding staircase that went up to the upper levels he stood in front of the guard awkwardly for a second. He wasn’t sure his voice was going to come out right. Pointing slightly past the guard he hoped the man would get what he meant. Which he did, but he still didn’t move. Justin wanted yell in distress. There was no way the guard didn’t know who he was, everyone here knew who he was. He was their Death Scythe for god’s sake. There was no way he was being stopped because he didn’t know if Justin had qualifications to be up there. 

The scythe was running on fumes here, part of him wanted to turn on his heel and just go home but he had a feeling if he did things would only get worse. There were already a few people watching on in confusion. Curious about what Justin had stopped for. As if he was the one who turned this into a big deal. Justin was finding a weird anger bubble under his skin. It wasn’t like him to get upset about something like this but he was. Logically speaking he knew the guard in front of him was probably just worried or confused as to why the loud scythe wasn’t saying anything. Or maybe he was new here and somehow really didn’t know who Justin was. So he shouldn’t be mad. He shouldn’t. Everything was fine.

“Can I get through?” Justin’s voice was hoarse and gravelly. Just like he had been scared of. The anger he had tried to bite down flared back up. He wanted to smack the guard over and over because god fucking dammit he had been trying so hard to look like he had everything together and here this guy was making it impossible. He could tell his expression was starting to morph into something murderous. Smiling shakily he started to try and form the words ‘ _ thank you _ ’ as the guard stepped to the side. Before he could even get the first syllable out he felt the man’s heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Are you ok?” Justin couldn’t breathe. His vision had fizzled out into stars and lights. He didn’t want to be touched. Why was the guard touching him? His breathing felt weird and it was taking all his willpower to not just pass out. He wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to make it up the stairs anymore. Making a weird wheezing noise Justin could feel everyone’s eyes on him. He could feel everything falling apart. And then like a blessing from heaven he had an idea.   


“I’m sick. I- I got a cold.” His voice was still broken enough that anyone would believe that excuse, and sure enough the guard pulled his hand back in a poorly hidden disgust. Justin wanted to roll his eyes as the man stepped aside to let him through and tried to discreetly wipe his hand off on his shirt. Yeah now he starting to rethink touching someone randomly. Trying to keep his face as serene as possible Justin sighed out his nose and went to brush past the guard and finally make it to the upper level.

He didn’t make it one step before he felt someone grab him by the back of his collar and pull him back. There was a moment of actual panic as he choked and had to stumble back and catch himself. Even with all his self control he couldn’t stop the look of absolute hatred that covered his face when he whirled around to see who had done that. The women staring up at him flinched at his expression but managed to puff out her cheeks and hold her ground. It took Justin a moment but once he realized it was one of the upper branch meisters he sighed dramatically. This was all horrible. What was it about today that made everyone so annoying? Were things normally like this? 

“Justin you shouldn’t be here if you’re sick! Go home! We can’t have you getting worse!” Justin could feel the gears turning in his head. Sick? Was he sick? He definitely felt weird but no one but him should’ve been able to pick up on that. Looking down at his hand in confusion he didn’t notice it being unusually pale or anything either. So why did she think that? It clicked in Justin’s brain with an explosion of bitter sparks. Oh. She had been listening. That meant there was probably more people that had been listening in to that. Justin’s gaze turned sharp and his skin started to feel tender to every passing breeze. 

He didn’t like this. If he hadn’t come up with the excuse of being sick then what would they’ve all thought? What had they been thinking? Why had they been looking so closely? What had they been expecting him to do? Justin’s breath hitched for a second. Hot slimy fear was dripping down his hair and into his face. He was trying to ignore it, to not let himself betray how it was starting to drip into his eyes. 

Looking at her with an expression even he couldn’t decipher the meaning behind he blinked and stood up uncomfortably straight. Even though she had to be at least 10 years older than him he was so much taller that he had to crane his neck weirdly to see her. It felt awkward to be looking so far down but since she was his superior he felt like he had to. Wait. Was she his superior or was he her’s? He wasn’t sure… She probably wasn’t sure either. Having a child as their branch's Death Scythe kind of made everything a little weird around who was actually in charge. He wondered if she was taking his sudden straightening up as a form of aggression rather than obedience then. He couldn’t tell from her reaction.   

“I’m-” His voice stopped. He wasn’t fine. He might not of been sick in the way were thinking but there was something wrong with him. And every second he stood here he was risking everyone finding that out. And if they found out what would happen? What would they do? Justin’s chest felt like it was twisting up into a horrible and painful black hole. He was holding his breath, sweating with the exertion it was taking to hold himself together.

“You’re right, I think I need some rest. I wouldn’t want to get anyone else sick either.” She nodded firmly, clearly proud of herself for controlling their whirlwind of a Death Scythe. Justin let her have it. He was thankful for the easy out and wasn’t really in a place where he could manage to be stubborn anyway. As he stepped off the staircase he noticed how everyone backed away slightly. Scared of whatever illness had made their resident workaholic who’d rather die then miss work feel the need to go home. Justin’s lips quirked up in grim humor. Yeah they were right to be scared of whatever this was. 

It felt like it was eating him alive. 

Justin couldn’t hear the world past his headphones, but from how everyone was acting it seemed like everything was dead silent as he left. He could see a few people give him well wishes and a couple mumble amongst themselves. They were worried about him. Why did that feel so horrible? Why did it make his veins feel like they were full of crude oil and acid? 

Outside was still warm, mid noon with a shining sun and only a few puffy clouds rolling across the sky. It made Justin feel even worse. He felt shriveled up and overwhelmed by the nice weather. It felt like the heavens were watching him. It felt like they were watching him fail. A couple stray tears bubbled out of his eyes and he grabbed his arms uncomfortably as he hurried home. 

All of this was horrible. It was horrible and he wanted it to be over. His feet still felt sore and in a desperation to ease some of his pain he slipped his poor fitting shoes off and carried them the rest of the way back. The rocks and bumps on the sidewalk hurt but not nearly as bad as the shoes had. He tried not to think too hard about that when he got back and still refused to throw them out. 

His apartment was so dark, but he didn’t bother to open any of the blinds as he brushed through silently. His heart hurt. He was alone now, he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing him and somehow he still couldn’t cry out the pain that was buzzing inside him. Sniffling ever so slightly he stumbled to his bed and fell into it, coat and all, curling up as small as he could. He didn’t want to be here. He hated all of this. It was noon but he just wanted the day to end, he wanted to sleep and never have to wake up again. 

Grabbing one of the pillows he buried his face into it and breathed horribly shaky breaths. He couldn’t cry but it felt like he was about to. Somehow that made it worse. He was so close to relieving some of the pressure but yet he couldn’t. Hours passed like that and Justin could feel himself going insane. He could feel the pain welling up into something hot and hard, turning into something so unignorable that he could barely think about anything else. 

It kept getting worse and worse, until he was gasping for air, holding onto his pillow with white knuckles as the insanity pricked at his mind and made him nauseous. He wasn’t sad about this anymore. He wasn’t angry either. He couldn’t feel anything but a rushing overwhelment in his soul that was screaming. It hurt. It hurt so bad. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything but lay there and suffer. Completely blind to everything but the pain. He wanted something to put him out of his misery. He wanted something to kill him.

The sun started to flood in through his shutters and Justin realized with horror he had been lying there all night. He had spent more than a night just sitting there. He hadn’t gotten to sleep at all and the pain wasn’t going away. Panic was flaring inside of him, his fingers knotted into his hair and he bit his lip hard enough for it to bleed. Dotting his bedsheets with tiny little rose petal dots. It was morning. How could it be morning? Justin breath hitched. It couldn’t be. He wasn’t ready for it to be. How could he go to work like this? There was no way he could hide it anymore. 

If he went they’d all know. They’d all know and then what would they do? There was no way they’d put up with him. Especially when he was supposed to be the one they relied on. Why did they rely on him? He couldn’t do anything. At least not like this. Justin’s heart was hammering in his ears, making the headphones he had never bothered to remove echo the sound back even louder. No. No he couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t… He couldn’t survive this. He didn’t want to survive if it meant feeling like this. 

Trying to sit up he whimpered in pain and fell back down. His coat was too heavy. He couldn’t lift himself wearing it. Letting his shaky fingers come up to the buttons he struggled to undo them. He couldn’t keep his grip and he kept shaking so hard that he couldn’t even grab on right. When there were finally undone Justin ripped it open and pulled his arms out and stared at his hands. He was so pale, slick with sweat and shaking. He wasn’t sure he was going to be able to stand up at all. He was falling apart at the seams. 

Pressing both his arms against the bed as hard as he could he lifted his heavy body with a groan. He was having a hard time holding himself up, but he was up. He was up. He could do this. Getting up on his legs he stumbled and ran into his dresser with a horrible noise. A few tears finally dropped with the pain. He could feel his knees dripping with blood. His fingers clenched on the cool wooden top and he tried to right himself. There wasn’t any giving up now. He was so close. 

With everything that was left inside him he bursted into his bathroom. Inelegantly tripping over himself and catching himself on the counter and breaking one of his nails. Swearing he looked down at it and watched it sluggishly drip blood into his sink. Everything was starting to blur into a weird mix of white and red. He was falling apart. He didn’t even know what was happening. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted it to stop. Sticking the bloody appendage in his mouth he flung open his medicine cabinet and flinched at how it banged against the bathroom mirror with a deafening thwack.  

Reaching in he dug around for something, anything at this point. Desperate for sleeping pills but willing to use whatever he got his hands on. Everything was in annoying baskets, except one bottle that smacked against his face and made him sputter. Looking down at the burningly orange bottle Justin wracked his brain for what it was. Something in his mind was screaming that it was important. When it hit him his panic only increased expotentionally.  

This wasn’t some random pain. This wasn’t something unknown. This was something very known that was supposed to be gone. Something that was supposed to be fixed. Something that wasn’t ever going to get better without help. He wasn’t going to get better. This pain wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. Justin threw the bottle with all the force he could muster. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t live like this. He  _ hadn’t  _ been able to live like this. That’s why they fixed it in the first place.

Why wasn’t it fixed anymore? Why was it hurting again? What had he done? Why was this happening? He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this! Panic was crawling up his skin and consuming him. He was dying. This was killing him. He could feel it killing him. 

Grabbing onto the shreds of his sanity Justin swallowed back the bile creeping up his throat and threw on the sink’s tap. The water rushed out immediately and Justin didn’t waste anytime sticking his head under the frigid flow. It hurt. It made his head throb and his skin feel like it was wrapped far too tight around his skull. It made it impossible for him to think straight- which was exactly what he needed right now. He needed to stop thinking, he needed to stop all of this in its tracks. 

Water kept flowing into his nose and mouth with every breath he took, he kept choking and coughing but he refused to move. He couldn’t. He was frozen in place, his fingers white with their death grip around the basin. He couldn’t feel his head anymore, it had gone so numb that the water running over his hair could’ve very well been mixed with bright red blood and he’d never know. 

His eyes were spinning in tune with the water circling the drain, blurry with all the water running into them. He was breathing so heavily he wondered if it was possible he’d pass out and drown here. He wondered if that would be better than whatever was waiting for him. Chasting himself his shoulders bunched up further. No he couldn’t be thinking like that. This would be fine. He was fine. He didn’t even know if this was that or not. This could just be a bad day. Things were fine.  _ He was fine _ . He couldn’t afford not to be. He had a job here. He couldn’t be acting like this.

Turning off the water with hesitant hands he lifted his head out of the sink, it felt heavy and the amount of hot blood that was rushing up to warm him back up made his skin feel like it was being stabbed with a million needles. His shirt was soaked, the floor was soaked. There was water everywhere and it made his entire body feel as if it was made of lead. Part of him said that he should probably clean it up but those thoughts were quickly squashed down. He was in no state for that. 

Instead he leaned against the counter and let the water in his hair fall in heavy drops and splash against his hands. He was so tired but also had never felt more awake in his life. There was a heavy delusional panic pulsing under his skin that made it impossible for him to even consider relaxing. It was annoying but he was too busy being thankful that he had at least calmed down enough to be standing here to actually get mad about it. 

The heavy problem of ‘ _ what’s next? _ ’ hung over his head like the blade of his guillotine. Threatening. Promising nothing but pain. Saying that there was only one choice. Only one outcome. His fingers curled up into his palms and he chewed on his lip. He was going to have to wait this out, wasn’t he? Squish it all down until it got better. Pretend it wasn’t there burning a hole in his heart. If he didn’t… then he will have failed. Completely and entirely. He will have wasted the chance he was given here.  

Justin lowered himself to his knees and clasped his hands together, letting his heavy head bump against them for a second. The tiles of the floor dug into his knees weirdly and after a bit he could feel his legs start to fall asleep beneath him. He was so out of it there was a second that he wondered how he got on the floor before he started to mumble to himself. Taught words that came out like second nature, that gave a seblemance of familiarity and a shell he could shove his melting psyche into. 

It was comforting at first, warm words that all his life he had been taught would take some of the pain of his shoulders. That would give him the strength to hold himself together. But the world was set on making sure he had nothing right now. Things quickly started to feel murky and black around him, the smiles of those long dead blinked like eyes on the walls around him. Justin’s hands tightened around each other until there was a sickening popping noise, until he could start to feel them lose blood flow. 

His jaw was knotting up. He was sweating under the horrors around him that seemed to be building up and becoming worse with every second. Justin could tell his sanity was balancing on the edge of a razor right now. Or perhaps he had already lost it. In all honesty his grasp on it had never been that firm. There was a low rumble of a laugh, shadowy dark arms that tried to wrap around him. Justin didn’t give him the pleasure, his eyes opened sharp and annoyed with everything that happened. 

As he finally released his death grip he shook his sore hands loosely and cracked his knuckles to get all the tension he had given them out. There was nothing warm on the guillotine’s face as he stood shakily and began to clean up the evidence of what had happened. Nothing that suggested he was the same kid that people looked at with admiration and jealousy. He looked like a wreck. 

Brushing back his wet hair he threw a towel on the ground and mopped up the puddles with his feet. Now that the drama of everything was done with he felt pretty blank. He didn’t really care about anything anymore. Which was a relief for sure. 

Throwing the towel back onto the hook he went to flick the light switch off. He was more than ready to leave the bathroom and pretend he had never been inside. His finger stopped right before he could hit the switch. There was a weird noise. One that he couldn’t tell if it was real or not. Looking around with a confused expression he hit the palm of his hand against his head, trying to shake the noise out of himself. It didn’t seem to be in his head, but where was it coming from? 

Padding back into the bathroom he scanned the room, even staring at the ceiling before he heard a loud ‘ _ Hellooo? _ ’ from his mirror. To say he jumped out of his skin was an understatement. He almost completely fell over and bounced his skull off the countertop. Whirling around with wide eyes Justin suddenly saw himself face to face with Lord Death, who was reflected in his mirror, waving happily. 

“Lord Death?” Justin couldn’t hide the complete and utter shock in his voice as he moved to get closer to the mirror in curiosity. He had no idea why the god could possibly be calling without warning. He couldn’t think of anything he had done wrong, there was no way he could be in trouble for taking a sick day. Right? He couldn’t imagine Lord Death wasting his time with something like that, but what else could it be? What couldn’t wait until the next time Justin had to call to give his report? 

“Justin hello! I swear you’re getting taller every day! I was- uh. Why are you so wet?” Justin blinked. He had honestly forgotten with everything going on that he was wet at all. He wasn’t sure he had ever really processed it in the first place. Now that it was pointed out though he felt cold and he could feel the excess water still in his hair drip down his face. Shivering slightly he looked back at Lord Death with a sheepish smile.

“I was uh, taking a shower.” He didn’t make eye contact as he said it, and he could hear Lord Death make an unsatisfied noise. To someone like Justin it felt like being slapped. Guilt bogged down his heart and he looked up at the god with sad eyes that only further proved he had been lying. For whatever reason Lord Death didn’t bother to address his lie though, and instead brushed past it.

“Right, so anyway.” There was something about the dismissiveness of it that made Justin feel worse. It felt like he was trying to swallow a frog that kept stubbornly fighting to jump out. He was having a hard time focusing. Everything felt hazy and sick and suddenly the exhaustion that had only been held back by his own crushing insanity fell on him like a pile of bricks. He felt horrible. He could feel how his eyes were caved and so bruised with his lack of sleep that he was surprised Lord Death hadn’t called him out on it. He felt like he was going to throw up or pass out or both. 

He was only barely listening to the god go on, nodding slightly as he heard bits and pieces about his struggle to call all the Death Scythes and how so many of them didn’t respond and how he was only left with Justin. The guillotine tried not to make his offense obvious. Why was he the bottom of the barrel here? An unhelpful part of him reminded him that he had just tried to drown himself in the sink but he brushed that away with a scowl. It wasn’t like anyone but him knew about that. 

“So in short I need you to come back. There’s a… problem we need to discuss.” Justin blinked. His eyes widening as he looked up towards the god with a poorly concealed desire. Lord Death wanted him there? He could go back? His lips started to twitch and curl into a thrilled smile. He felt alive again. He didn’t even care about how exhausted the reaper looked watching his executioner desperately try not to jump in excitement. All the pain he had been feeling got whipped to the wall, and was replaced with an affection and energy that made him want to leave right now. 

“Of course!” Justin’s voice was far louder than it needed to be, booming and edged with his overeagerness. He probably should’ve been thinking more about why Lord Death was calling him, and what the problem was that he couldn’t just say right now. But after the day Justin just had he figured whatever it was couldn’t be worse then brewing in suffering here. After all, Death City was his  _ home _ . And with everything that happened there was nothing Justin wanted more then to go home. 

“Alright, well then I’ll be expecting you soon. Oh and next time, don’t wear your headphones into the shower. I have a feeling those ones are broken now.” Justin blinked as the image flickered out, his hands going hesitantly to the soaked earbuds still in his ears.

Fuck. 


	2. Appearances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. So this chapter and next chapter were supposed to be one whole chapter, but it ended up hitting 10,000+ words. So to ease my suffering and yours I split it in half. Which means I can get the next one out pretty quick as it's already almost done!! Unfortunately it also means that this chapter and next chapter will be introductory shit. u-u)/ I'm sorry

Justin hadn’t had a hard time finding new earbuds. Being the person he was he had more than just a few spares skewed about his apartment. He wasn’t one to tempt fate. He knew what he was like without his earbuds. Everyone who knew him well did. That’s why no well informed person at the academy ever explicitly told him to take them out. They knew, or at least could guess, what they would be gambling with if they did. 

Even if they couldn’t they all had a feeling for the severity of it. It was hard not to, considering Lord Death himself was the one to push for him to wear them. Not that he had to push very hard mind you. Justin had been desperate for something, anything that’d let him be, or at least seem, normal. They didn’t do a perfect job considering it wasn’t exactly normal to see someone wearing headphones constantly. But it was better than nothing. Far better. 

For someone who didn’t know Justin they’d most likely assume he wearing them to show a detached disinterest, or because he wasn’t taking things seriously. They’d see it as something unprofessional and disrespectful, but not as something inherently wrong with him. It was a bad habit. Not a character tic that would make everyone doubt if he was really a person they should be trusting as their Death Scythe. That’s why they were important. Because they hid the things inherently wrong with him, the characteristics he had that made everyone shift uncomfortably. 

One of the elites had once, while very drunk, likened his headphones to a champagne cork. Saying how they took a lot of force to get out but that once they were out everyone in the room would know. That the deafening pop and spray of carbonation made it impossible to not know. Justin’s face had turned down into something bitter when they said it and they had started to spout apologies in a flurry. Which hadn’t really been what he was looking for when he made that face. It wasn’t like he was particularly mad with them. He knew they were right. Well, mostly. 

What he wanted them to realize was that there was one big difference between his headphones and a cork they were missing. 

A champagne cork flying through the air with a loud pop signaled that there was a celebration to be had. That something good had started or that something bad had ended. The pale gold that filled peoples cups was something beautiful. Sparkling with hopes for the future. The dark murky liquid that spilled from Justin’s ears was anything but that. It didn’t mark the start or the end of anything. It didn’t give any sort of hope or joy. It was just a reminder of reality. Dark, depressing reality. 

The reality that yes, Justin was indeed still insane. That nothing magic had happened and he was still as sick as he had always been. 

Which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone- they all worked for the DWMA, they all knew madness wasn’t something that could just be cured. But it was. Because Justin put enough effort into seeming as normal as possible that once he fell back into his old ways it was like a splash of frigid water. A harsh reminder none of them really knew how to deal with. Or that they didn’t want to deal with at the very least. 

He didn’t really blame them. He didn’t want to deal with himself either. If he had the option of just awkwardly leaving the kid to choke down all his incoherent words that dared to try and slip out he would in a heartbeat. But he didn’t. Because he was the kid trying to shut up his nonsensical brain. He was the one that had to cover his ears and desperately try to keep the hot wet sanity from rushing out and leaving him completely delusional. He was the one that had to trip out in a rush to find new headphones. To find something to shut his mind up before his madness took over and left him feeling like lost kid that was completely incapable of seeing everyone as anything but dangerous. 

So yeah he had spares. He had a job that he sort of needed to be able to talk coherently, to _think_ coherently to do. One where he couldn’t be scared of his own shadow or of people who were looking to him for help. And even if he _didn’t_ , the discomfort and doubt his awkward, jittery words would give the people who were supposed to be relying on him made it pretty firmly inarguable that he needed them. He needed people to think he had everything under control. The DWMA needed him to be able to convince everyone he had everything under control. 

As he jumped off his bike onto the dusty cobbled grounds of the academy he wondered how he was going to do that. Things hadn’t exactly gotten better from yesterday and he still couldn’t even decide if figuring out that it was his madness acting up was helping or hurting. On one hand it was always nice to know what was going on, but on the other knowing it was something so… uncontrollable and unfixable wasn’t exactly comforting. It was the opposite of comforting honestly. 

His entire trip he hadn’t been able to tear his mind off the rattling bottle of pills in his bike’s side bag. The ones he could feel glaring into his back right now. He didn’t know what to do about them. It wasn’t like he could just stop taking them. He had been told pretty firmly multiple times before that was usually fatal. But… if they weren’t working anymore what was the point? And if they weren’t working anymore would something else work? Or was he just screwed? 

That possibility made his hands sweat. It made his heart flutter in his chest and his tongue tie into knots. No that couldn’t be true. He was probably overreacting to all of this. An off day didn’t mean that they stopped working. It didn’t mean things were going to keep getting worse until he was right back to the mess he started as. It was normal to have bad days. It was normal to freak out a little bit when you were stressed out. Justin didn’t really know what he had been so stressed about but he was a busy person. It only made sense that he’d get stressed out and have a bit of a freak out and need to take a break. That was just how stress worked. It was fine. 

He kept telling himself that as he started to trudge up the ridiculously long staircase to the academy. He kept telling himself that as something painful and tight wrapped around his heart. He kept telling himself that until he ran face first into someone who felt far too cold to be a real person. 

Coughing in confusion he stumbled back, an apology already ready on his tongue. Part of him was honestly wondering if someone had left a weird mannequin up here. It was so stiff and lifeless that he actually held the words back until he got a good look at their face. Until he was sure he wasn’t about to apologize to a statue and a couple of giggling students. 

“Justin! It’s about time you got here! Everyone else is already inside!” There was a lot that could be said about the next 3 seconds. So much in fact that Justin’s brain didn’t know where to start. He had a few moments where his mind was in a complete stunned silence as he stared at the very familiar but very _blue_ man in front of him. The fact he hadn’t stumbled backwards and fell down the entirety of the academy stairs was something to honestly be proud of. The fact that he managed to respond? Well that was nothing short of a miracle.

“Sid… you’re looking very…” Dead. He was looking very much dead. And like he had been dead for quite awhile too. His eyes were milky and his skin was a weird greying blue. The shock and confusion was so heavy in Justin’s veins that he was really considering if this was a dream or some kind of weird joke. Sid really wasn’t the type to do that though, and Justin was fairly certain this wasn’t a dream. So… what was going on?

It was obvious that Sid was… here. He was here and talking. His mouth was moving so it wasn’t some sick fuck just propping him upright. He was really there and he was the one moving. So… was it makeup? No… The dripping hole in his forehead looked far too deep and horrific to be fake… Justin’s eyebrows knitted together. He didn’t understand what he was looking at. He knew the concept ‘zombie’ as like… a movie thing. But not something that existed in reality. So it couldn’t be that… but if not that then what? What was he looking at? His mouth opened to ask but before he could get even a breath out Sid’s hand grabbed onto his face and smushed his cheeks together.

“I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questions right now but we’ve got much bigger problems than this. Problems that we’ve all been waiting for _you_ to get here to talk about.” Sid emphasized _‘you’_ so much that Justin could tell he was pissed off, or the very least stressed out about how long it had taken the scythe to get here. Which Justin wasn’t really sure what to do about, he had gotten ready to leave literally the second he had gotten the call. 

“I’m the farthest away Sid, of course I got here last.” Out of everyone he had been told was coming he really was the furthest. Hell, if they were going to make it a contest he was definitely in the running to be the furthest away out of _all_ the Death Scythes, not just the ones that would be here today. Sid didn’t seem to have considered that though, and drew back with a very confused expression on his face. 

“Are you really?” Justin snorted and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t help himself. Now that he had a second to think about it he had a pretty good idea what had happened here. He batted Sid’s hand off his face and tried to fight the smug smile that started to pull at his lips. 

“The Earth is round Sid just because it looks closer on a map doesn’t mean it actually is.” From the way Sid’s fell in a weird kind of self disappointment Justin knew he had gotten it right. Sid had totally forgotten that Azusa and Marie were closer because he had forgotten that the map wrapped around and that they were only an ocean away. The thin snake like smile that was trying very very hard to seem innocent looked like it could split his face in half. It made Sid groan.

“It’s been a long week for me kid. Just drop it.” His lips parted, ready to say something back to that, but before he could Sid’s hand came down and ruffled his hair hard enough that he actually had to struggle to keep his head upright. The restatement of _‘Just drop it’_ that he could just barely read on the other’s lips made him go ever so slightly pale and nod in understanding. Sid seemed satisfied with that and lifted his crushing hand off of Justin’s head, and pointed over his shoulder back at the academy with a cocky smile. 

It was a warm movement. One that just said _‘let’s go’_ . But it kind of hurt to see. Justin could see the Sid he remembered doing that movement so clearly in his mind that seeing the man’s- well, _corpse_ do it was something heart crushing. The shock was finally starting to die down here and the complete tragedy of the situation was starting to dawn on him. Sid had died while he was gone. He followed the meister aimlessly up the remaining stairs. What else had changed while he was gone? Was anyone else-

“Sid.” His voice sounded hoarser than he was okay with. It was quieter than he wanted it to be. Quiet enough that Sid didn’t hear him. He couldn’t bring himself to call for the other’s attention again. The rest of the walk up to the academy was silent. Justin’s legs felt heavy with a weird kind of despair and fear. Sid wasn’t facing him so he wasn’t putting as much effort as he probably should’ve into looking put together. He wanted to grab onto the back of the… _zombie’s_ shirt and feel that he was still there. But he also knew that the other’s cold skin and lack of a heartbeat would make him completely shut down. 

Sid was right. They didn’t have time for that. But… it was hard to swallow back the knot in his throat that kept squirming up in hopes of making him cry. They made it up to the academy doors and Justin felt his entire body tense up as Sid moved to swing the door open. He wasn’t ready for this. There was too much going on already. Why was all of this happening at once? The door began to open and Justin did his best to recompose himself. The smug smile on his face felt a little bit too fake but it was better that than nothing. 

It was after school hours so thankfully there weren’t many students around. Unfortunately they were still a lot of other people. A lot. Something very big was happening. Something bigger than Justin thought coming here. He followed Sid up the stairs confusedly. He knew Lord Death had said he was desperate but what could he need 3 extra Death Scythes _and_ all these people for? Maybe he should’ve pushed for more context before coming all the way out here. Maybe he should’ve figured out why everyone else had rejected. 

Not that he would’ve rejected of course. No matter what it was he would’ve come. But… It’d be nice to know what had everyone so worked up. At the very least it’d make him feel like less of a dumbass walking through the halls of very serious, very worried people who all clearly knew something he didn’t. Looking over to Sid, who had also taken on a very serious expression, Justin’s mouth turned into a thin line. 

He supposed there was no time like now to ask. Sid obviously knew what it was and would most likely give him a pretty good and detailed answer. He might be a little bit shocked and disappointed that Justin hadn’t even bothered to think about what it was until now, but it’d be nothing compared to Azusa’s disappointment. She’d probably throw him out a window. Grimacing he looked out the ones they passed by. That looked like a pretty deadly drop. He should probably ask now before he was left with no other option then that. 

Looking over to Sid he noticed that they were coming to a stop in front of the Death Room. Shit. He had really missed his chance there hadn’t he? He supposed he could still ask but there was something about standing right in front of the Death Room that made him nervous. It was best just to go in and let Lord Death explain it to him. He’d probably give the best information in any case. 

There was a moment where they both just stood there anyway though. Justin looked around awkwardly before tilting his head in confusion.

“Am I going in alone?” The sigh Sid gave was insultingly dramatic and when it dissolved into a tired laugh Justin’s nose wrinkled. The way he hissed out _‘I was just curious’_ was quiet enough that it was pretty obvious he wasn’t talking to Sid as much as he was reassuring himself that it wasn’t a dumb question. The man still caught it though and gave him a look that made him feel like he was being seen as a child. It wasn’t a good sign that his blood was already starting to boil. He was getting worried about how he was going to keep his cool when everyone else showed up. When the more… insufferable members showed up. 

And yeah, He knew he counted on the list of ‘insufferable’ too but he also didn’t have a choice about dealing with himself. So really he was doing everyone a favor of avoiding the other members that were also horrible to deal with, it had to take away some of the headache to have one less asshole to have to try and control. 

He could sort of see Sid talk about how important this was and how the Death Scythes were really the only ones supposed to be going in without explicit permission right now. Which Justin didn’t buy based on how Sid looked away weirdly when he said it. But he didn’t really bother to point it out. He just sort of let Sid put his hand on his back and push him towards the door with only a very forced frown as argument. 

Honestly the only reason he wasn’t saying anything or going in was because he was trying to be as annoying as he possibly could be. If he was going to treat him like a kid he’d act like a kid. Insufferable. He was in that group for a reason. He could be a real brat when he wanted to be. Sid picked up on what he was doing pretty fast. 

“You know everyone else is supposed to be coming up here soon, do you really want to wait for Azusa to show up?” The look of offended betrayal that flashed across his face made Sid laugh loud enough that a passing staff member looked over with a poorly concealed look of confusion. Undoubtedly wondering what the hell two of their highest ranking members could be doing in front of the Death Room that was funny. Which made sense in theory but for someone like Justin who knew all the elites and how much of a mess they all were it didn’t really.

“Fine. Wait out here. You're the one denying yourself of the pleasure of being in the Lord’s presence.” He was being annoying. He knew he was being annoying. He was trying to be annoying. The dismissing, disappointed airy tone he had didn’t betray how much of a smartass he was being but Sid still got a pretty good idea and sighed in annoyance before waving him off with a tired _‘Just go in already.’_  

With a dramatic step forward he did. Giving Sid one more disapproving look that cracked right at the end into a smug smile before he disappeared behind the closing door. The momentary pleasure that gave him was satisfying, but as he turned back towards the tunneling gates he felt an empty pain settle in his stomach. He was nervous. Far more than he should be. 

He had spoken to Lord Death _yesterday_ and there had been no problem then. Well. Not no problem but there hadn’t been any obvious suspicion about his mental state. Which was a little bit odd considering he had been completely dripping with proof that he had done something stupid and erratic. But he’d take it. He’d take it and ride on the hope that if he hadn’t looked weird then there would be no way for him not to seem ok right now. 

Still he couldn’t help but feel a little woozy walking through the towering gates towards the center. He told himself it was just the lack of sleep getting to him but he wasn’t really sure if he believed that. Actually he knew it wasn’t that. He knew it was more along the lines that he was going into a situation where there was a good chance he would have to lie. A situation where if he got caught lying he wasn’t exactly sure what would happen. 

He tried to reassure himself with the fact that Sid hadn’t noticed anything being off but that really didn’t manage to make him feel any better. It was _Sid_. Sure he knew Justin pretty well and would have a better chance at figuring out he wasn’t ok over some random branch member, but he was still just a man. He wasn’t a fearsome god that could sniff out people’s madness like Lord Death. 

As he got closer and closer to the podium he did his best to steel himself. He needed confidence here. Confidence and distracting words. He could do this. Or at the very least act as dumb as he possibly could in the hopes that no one would bother to waste their time dealing with him. The people who knew him better would know he was avoiding something, but they wouldn’t know _what_. And that was what was important.

Stepping onto the cold concrete stairs he pulled himself up the top off of the little island with sugar sweet smile and a polite coughing noise to signal he was here. He had mostly managed to relax, but he still couldn’t stop the sudden fearful grab that snatched his heart right out of his chest when Lord Death started to turn around. He could feel himself sweat every so slightly. It was ok. He was ok. He hadn’t done anything wrong here. Not yet at least. 

He tried to keep telling himself that when the god didn’t break the silence and instead just stared down at him silently.

“Lord Death?” His smile was twitching ever so slightly. What had happened? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Tilting his head in confusion he only felt his nerves rise further when the silence stretched on. Was he that obvious? Was he getting in trouble for lying yesterday when they were talking? Why had he waited this long? Why would he give Justin the false hope of thinking he had gotten away with it? Grasping at his cross he held onto it with white knuckles. Looking for the strength to say something. 

“Merciful Lord Death why can’t I hear your voice?” There was still nothing. He was still saying nothing and Justin could see his face start to drop into something disappointed. Oh he was dead. He was so dead. He could feel his eyes start to spin with his nerves. Blurring the world into something confusing. What was happening here? Why wasn’t he at least saying what was going to happen? How long would this last? Was he waiting for Justin to say something? To apologize or beg for forgiveness? 

Raising one of his arms up he moved to kneel, his lips parting to make room for the words he hadn’t quite figured out how to say yet. Before anything could come out though he felt someone’s foot come crashing down into the middle of his spine. Coughing horribly he spun around from his place bent over on the floor to see who had done that. 

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see, but Spirit angrily miming for him to take out his headphones wasn’t it. The realization that came over him as he saw the man’s jerky movements was both relieving and mortifying. He was glad he wasn’t in trouble, and was glad that he had been kicked before he ended up admitting the very thing he was trying to hide, but he was also embarrassed he hadn’t thought of that. Taking them out he stood up silently, running far too many thoughts through his mind as he stated his presence in the weird roll call way Azusa always made them do when she was around. 

Oh. Speaking of Azusa she was supposed to be here right? Turning around he saw her move to line up next to him and Spirit. She wasn’t looking at him at all but he didn’t mind. He was just excited to see her again. He was… substantially less excited to see the other two that came in. Marie was _fine_ , but Stein was… well not Justin’s favorite person. And Justin wasn’t his favorite person either so it was at least mutual. Looking back to Lord Death Justin let his hand clench up ever so slightly. He had known Sid was full of shit. If Stein was here he totally could’ve come in, he probably just didn’t want to deal with the pain in the ass this would inevitably be. 

Although Azusa was here… and no one ever wanted to start a hissy fit while she was around. So maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. He knew that was overly hopeful but as things got started and everyone started to get settled it seemed like that _could_ be the case. It seemed like everything would be fine, that they’d hear there missions and then could just go. It seemed that way right up until Lord Death finally began to speak.

“So I suppose for starters we should talk about the Kishin Asura’s revival.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow… look at all this interaction and relationship characterization between Justin and the DWMA staff that we never got in the anime or the manga. That’s totally not the main reason I wrote this entire fic… not at all… there totally isn’t going to be way more of this then anyone cares about… ;v;)...
> 
> Also sorry for the cliffhanger but when I was looking for where I could break the chapter into two parts this seemed like the best place.


	3. Collectivist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hell of a time transitioning to this one canon line from Stein, I probably should’ve thought about it harder but it would’ve held this whole chapter back from posting so,, hopefully it’s forgivable. (I refuse to skip it because that line pisses me off & was a springboard for a lot of my Justin hcs) But anyway apologies in advance for that.

Justin hadn’t been told yet what the hell he was here for. He hadn’t thought it was all that important for him to know. Surely if it was Lord Death would’ve told him before he came out here. Surely. As he stared wide eyed off into nothing he realized that had very much not been the case. 

He knew what madness wavelengths did. Of course he did that was one of the first things he learned when he was attending this school. Everything about how madness built up in Kishin Eggs with every human soul eaten and how it could be sensed and also  _ spread  _ by the wavelengths they gave off was hammered into every academy student’s head so hard they could recite it in their sleep. And it had been pounded doubly hard into Justin because of how much more it affected him and other people who were inherently mad. 

So why? Why hadn’t Lord Death thought to say something before now? Before Justin was standing right here, in front of everyone who he could absolutely not let see him crumple to the ground with a dull acceptance of his impending death? He was going to die here. No argument. He could see Lord Death glance at him ever so slightly but he didn’t bother to perk up and try to seem ok. He was still trying to process this. 

He… well he had been right that his medicine stopped working. Or maybe had just been completely overpowered by the sheer madness Asura was exuding. Whatever it was, it proved that he wasn’t being over dramatic and he had in fact been getting suddenly and exponentially worse. And that he would probably continue down that path until they managed to kill Asura. That… that was a lot to take in right now. 

All of this was a lot to take in. 

This was something that was absolutely never supposed to have happened. They didn’t have any kind of emergency plan for if this happened, it wasn’t really ever considered a possibility. At least Justin had never considered it as one. And that was part of what was making this so scary. He had never thought about this before. He had no idea what to expect. Both in this war and in the deterioration of his own mind. All he knew was that this was going to be a test of endurance. That there was going to be no stopping the madness, only holding against it for as long as possible. 

“Someone like Justin won’t have much of a problem with the madness but-” Justin hadn’t been listening to their conversation, not even a little bit. He had been far too lost within his own thoughts to even try to keep up with whatever they were going on about. But he still heard that. He heard that and he had no hope of stopping the absolutely disgusted glare he shot at Stein. 

The man, predictably, didn’t react at all. He wasn’t paying any attention to Justin, he probably hadn’t even been thinking about Justin when he said it. It was like second nature for him to take a dig at Justin’s sanity whenever he had a chance. It was completely ridiculous and everyday Justin had to wonder how the hell this had become a thing. Because it really had become a thing. At some point it really had become the doctor’s most infuriating and dangerous habit. Which was really saying something considering all his other questionable hobbies. But still, Justin wouldn’t take it back. There was something flat out stupid about poking at him like this. 

He refused to believe that Stein was stupid enough to think he was the most mentally stable person here and the perfect poster example of ‘unaffected’. So unless he was trying to say Justin wasn’t able to think hard enough to actually be able to be affected by something that messed with the brain, which he supposed Stein  _ could  _ be doing considering how much the doctor seemed to value his own intellect, he definitely knew what he was doing. In all honesty this was probably some kind of selfish curiosity of his. Justin could definitely imagine Stein wanting to see him completely snap so he could ‘take note’ of how the madness affected someone other than himself. 

Which made this moment all the more ridiculous. Stein should know that this was absolutely not the time to be playing games like this. Second nature or not it didn’t matter. Both of them were playing with fire right now. They were both the only inherently mad people in the DWMA’s elites. They were the ones that had to worry the most about keeping things together, they couldn’t be fucking around, if they did they’d undoubtedly lose it. 

So why was Stein still acting like this? It was boiling Justin’s blood into something poisonous. He could feel it clog and sting his veins, burn through his arteries and fill his heart with sticky black hatred. He knew there was never any chance of Stein being helpful with anything ever, but Justin had foolishly thought that in a situation like this, the doctor wouldn’t of kept on his mission to make everything worse for him. 

He could feel the storm cloud getting bigger and bigger in his head. He could feel his thoughts branch off from coherent complaints about this situation to overreaching assumptions and fears that he knew made no sense. It was taking everything he had in him to keep slamming them down. He wouldn’t let any panic or anger take root. He had to stay calm. He couldn’t snap this fast, that’d just be pathetic. He just had to keep it together. Or at least he thought that was all he had to do. Apparently not though.

Apparently just keeping it together wasn’t enough right now. 

Justin had a hard time understanding just what was happening when he felt a sharp stabbing pain, accompanied by a very dull one slam into his back. It took him a few seconds to realize he was being kicked over, and by that point he was already well past being able to catch himself. The noise he made in confusion didn’t carry any kind of question or meaning except maybe  _ ‘get out of the way, I’m going to fall.’  _

He only had a few seconds to awkwardly flail his lanky body into a position that’d make falling less painful and he didn’t even manage to do that properly. His attempts, sadly, only made it worse for him as the arms he had tried to curl under himself only let him jam his fingers against the concrete and did nothing to stop his chin from bouncing off the floor with a sickening crack. He could feel his headphones fly out with the sheer force of his fall and he actually curled against the floor for a second with an awful groan. 

There was a moment of absolute silence before everyone continued on with the meeting. 

Justin honestly wanted to stay down. He could feel the bruises festering under his skin already. He could sense them getting ready to decorate his flesh with splatters of watercolor purples and greens that would undoubtedly all blur together into starbursts. Just another mark on the complete disaster that was his body. His knees were still completely busted up from when he had stumbled into his bathroom, his fingernail was still broken and disfigured, hidden under a bandaid that he had chewed on a bit too much. It had only been one day. One day and he was already like this. 

He got up with a silent huff, praying that no one noticed how his knees shook, that no one saw the complete choking pain he was fighting to swallow as he sharpened his gaze and focused back in on the conversation that was apparently important enough to smack him around for. 

It seemed to just be dismissals at this point. Something about that made his throat sticky and hot. They had kicked him over for this? He could’ve just followed all of them out. He wasn’t completely oblivious to the world around him, even when he was lost in thought. So why? What did he do? Was it because he wasn’t following the conversation? Because he was spacing out? Because he had put his headphones back in at some point and didn’t even realize he had until they were knocked right out of his ears? 

He didn’t know.

He didn’t know what he had done and it was pissing him off. Well, actually that wasn’t quite right. He  _ was  _ pissed off, but also depressed, distraught and all the other emotions that he supposed went into being completely  _ devastated _ . 

He had thought he was doing well. Thought he had been keeping it impressively together by not having a dramatic,  _ distracting  _ reaction to Asura’s awakening, thought he had given everyone a moment of relief for not snapping at Stein and throwing them off track. But apparently he hadn’t, apparently it wasn’t enough to just keep himself together and out of the way. He shouldn’t of been all that surprised. It was  _ never  _ enough. 

As they all bowed to leave Justin found himself really having to chew with his hatred for all of this. He couldn’t let it get to him, but it was. He had to realize he was overreacting, but he couldn’t. He had to seem like he had it together, like he was someone  _ normal _ who just knew how to deal with everything, who never needed to take a step back and figure out their scattering erratic thoughts.

But that was  _ impossible _ . It’d never be possible for someone like him. They should really all know that by now.

The walk out of the Death Room and back into the main hall of the academy was fairly quiet. He could hear Marie try to liven up the weird silence that came with him, Azusa and Stein all being forced together, but it really wasn’t working all that much. Azusa was humoring her a little bit but it was obvious she was only half listening to the other woman’s small talk. It was obvious her mind was focused on something else. Justin had a bad feeling that he knew exactly what that was. 

When they finally made it out he didn’t waste time, he spun on his heel and went directly for the staircase. He didn’t make it one step before Azusa caught him, grabbing onto his arm with a death grip and tugging him hard enough that he had to bend over a bit as he turned around to face her. The awkward movement made him worried he was going to fall over again for a second. Especially when he realized he had to stay bent over to accommodate the grip Azusa had on his arm. 

He had to stay bent over because Azusa was shorter than him now. His eyes widened slightly as he tried to process that. It was such a small difference that it had been impossible to tell at first, but now that they were this close… well there was no denying that he had passed her somewhere along the line. That made his stomach turn in a confused, uncomfortable way. 

It looked like it was making Azusa uncomfortable too. Or at least more pissed off. Her glare darkened a bit and she tugged his arm a little bit farther down, making him have to bend further and crane his neck to look up at her. Giving her back the height advantage that they both knew she didn’t really have anymore. 

“What on Earth was that back there? Don’t you realize how serious this is? You need to get your act together Justin. This is no time to be acting like a child.” It was funny of her to say that right after pulling him back down to the height he was when he was younger, but he didn’t dare to crack a smile while she was scolding him. He didn’t really feel like being murdered right now, so he just sort of nodded in a quiet obedience. 

There was no point in arguing with Azusa or saying he had tried his best or anything else like that. She didn’t care about any kind of reason, excuse or apology. Which would be unbelievably frustrating if it weren’t for the fact that he knew that all of Azusa’s harshness came from how much she cared. She cared. He knew she did. She just had a laser focus, and it was all on making sure that this didn’t happen again.

She didn’t want him to get in trouble again, didn’t want him to get lost in his thoughts and pull away from them again. She just didn’t know how to express it in ways other than anger. Which was a little bit annoying, but he didn’t mind all that much. He knew what was lying under all her words, so he just listened quietly. Letting her finish with whatever she wanted to say. 

Or at least that was what he was going to do. For whatever reason Stein wasn’t interested in waiting for that to happen, he coughed loudly to get their attention.

“Such a hard ass, even to your own protege. Why did you even bother to take him under your wing if you hate him so much?” Justin’s face was more than just a little tired and confused as he looked at Stein with an expression that screamed  _ ‘but why though?’  _ Marie looked equally that way, only a bit more panicked. Which didn’t make all that much sense; they weren’t the ones with their heads on the chopping block. Stein had volunteered to take that position for whatever reason. Still he could hear the way Marie hissed in concern as Azusa stood up even straighter and shot a glare at Stein that probably could turn most men to stone.

“I worry for the state of your students if you think  _ that  _ is hatred Stein. Have you lost the ability to be firm? You’ll turn into someone as useless as Spirit if you keep being so lax about things.” There was a moment of chilling silence, in the weird position Justin was being held at he could really only peek at Stein and Marie over his shoulder. It was making this whole situation all the more stressful. He could only look at one of them at a time and he had no idea if he should be looking at Azusa or Stein right now, he wasn’t sure who was going to talk next. 

It turned out the answer was neither of them. Instead, Spirit came out of the Death Room with an expression that made it horribly obvious that he really didn’t want to deal with whatever he had just walked into. Justin could feel some of the tension leave Azusa’s body and her grip loosen ever so slightly with the shock. It was a momentary miracle that was ripped away when Stein started to laugh, loud and filled with a weird kind of superiority and pity. Azusa’s grip went vice tight again and Justin had to bite his tongue not to shout. 

“You have some amazing timing you know that Spirit?” It was what they were all thinking, but there was something about the way Stein said it that made Justin want to die just so he wouldn’t have to listen to the doctor talk anymore. Spirit made a weird noise, it was sort of a noise of agreement, but not really. It sounded a lot more like a duck that had been told a bad joke by a hunter and had to laugh to not be killed. Whatever it was it felt appropriate for the situation.

“Uh… Justin?” Spirit sounded so strained saying his name that Justin wasn’t sure if the man was trying to call for his attention or if he was calling for his help. Whichever it was Justin was having a hard time turning to face him. He tried a few times before eventually looking under one of his arms. He got kind of a weird look but if no one was going to tell Azusa to let go of him they were all going to have to put up with it. Luckily they didn’t have to long. Azusa noticed the struggle pretty fast and let go, rolling her eyes before telling him to stop being so dramatic. He gave a her a thin smile that looked innocent, but that they all knew had a quiet annoyance behind it. The horrible glare he got in return made him sweat and he turned around quickly, looking for Spirit to give him some kind of out. 

“Lord Death wants to see you for a second.” Shit, not that kind of out. That was worse than this. This was out of the frying pan into the fire. The smile that started to pull at his lips looked like peeling wallpaper. It was ugly and falling apart and someone really should just rip it off already. He should rip it off. He  _ would _ , but if he did then everyone would see the absolute horror that was hiding underneath. 

He said some kind of confirmation, some kind of reassurance that he understood and brushed past Spirit. He refused to show any kind of hesitation. To let anyone here know how scared he was to face Lord Death right now. They no doubt already had their suspicions about whatever was going on with him, but he hadn’t shown any concrete proof that he was out of it yet. Even with the whole mess that had just happened Azusa, and probably the rest of them, had assumed that he was just distracted. He’d cling to that excuse. He was fine with seeming spacey and dumb if it meant they wouldn’t figure out what he was actually thinking about. 

He didn’t even wait for the door to close behind him this time, he didn’t even let himself think as he walked under the gates that reminded him far too much of his own. He didn’t even breathe. His vision was blurring together but he didn’t stop. He made it all the way to the center most podium and walked up before even announcing his presence. The way he stopped and traced the shell of his ear, making absolutely sure his headphones were actually out right now, was so obscenely controlled and moderated that he looked a bit like a robot. He could see the pity in Lord Death’s eyes. 

“This no doubt came as a shock to you, didn’t it?” A lot of thoughts flew through Justin’s mind with that, so many that he couldn’t keep up with them all. He wasn’t even sure what they had all been. Looking to the side slightly he tried to find the words to respond to that. He tried to find his voice. Tried to stop himself from just quietly nodding and staying in an upset silence that’d get them nowhere. That’d make him seem like a pathetic kid.

“It did.” It was stupid how hard that was to say. It was annoying how he had to pull his hands behind his back. How he had to hold one of his own wrists tightly enough that his fingernails would dig into the sensitive flesh and remind him where he was, of what would happen if he fell apart right now.

“Aren’t you going to ask why I didn’t tell you before now?” Justin’s mouth tasted bitter. He wanted to. He wanted to know. Wanted to ask. It was so tempting. It was right there. He could feel the question pushing up his throat, dancing on the back of his tongue. But...

“I know better than to question you Lord Death.” His overwhelming urge to ask  _ ‘why?’  _ fell flat. The desire and curiosity disappeared from him entirely as he looked up to his god with tired, devoted eyes.

“You know what's best and I will always serve you faithfully.” Lord Death’s face twisted into something upset and disappointed, his shoulders sagging with the weight of his exasperation. Shame spilled over Justin like scalding water, burning his skin to a horrid crab red that blistered and stung. He wasn’t sure what he had said, but it didn’t take a genius to know he had said something bad. 

“Yes I’m sure you will. You always have.” It was praise, but Lord Death said it so tiredly that it felt more like he was being reprimanded. In fact… Justin was sure he  _ was  _ being reprimanded in some way, he just didn’t understand what Lord Death was getting at. The tired, confused part of him wanted to think this was still just about his headphones, about him not taking things seriously enough. But he knew that wasn’t it. He knew it would be being lazy if he even humored the idea of that being it. There was obviously something more here. Something big he was missing. Lord Death didn’t wait for him to figure it out.

“Anyway, I called you back here because I have a special mission for you Justin.” Justin stood to attention with that. More than ready to hear his mission. More than ready to have something other than all of this to think about. He needed some kind of distraction right now. Needed to be free of all the overwhelming confusion and uncertainty that was driving him insane for a second. He could deal with whatever Lord Death had been pushing at later, once everything had calmed down a bit. 

“You see there's a golem that’s gone insane from the madness wavelengths and is wreaking havoc…” Right. He had heard about that. Had heard some mumbling about some old relic of a golem losing it and destroying large sections of it’s town. It had sounded odd. Weird. Like there was something more to this. Something more than the obvious fact that a soulless creature shouldn’t be affected by all of this…  

Justin was actually fairly certain that there was something more. After all, if it was just the madness then why hadn't there been any fatalities? Why had all the buildings it destroyed been unoccupied and unused? Why did it feel like the golem, the brainless lifeless golem, knew exactly where to strike? Why did it seem like it wasn’t actually trying to hurt anyone? Why did it feel like a loud, distracting call for attention? Why it did it feel like it was trying to draw them to that town? 

“Normally a mission as small as defeating a golem would go to our students, and it actually did.” Justin felt something similar to panic flicker under his skin for a second. His stomach spun into tight knots and he had to hold his breath to not say anything. Surely Lord Death had thought of everything he had been thinking about. Surely he would know if it was a trap. Justin was probably thinking about this too hard. Still he couldn’t help but wonder if it had really been the best decision to send students there. Shaking his head he berated himself. Lord Death knew what he was doing, it had to be the best decision for this situation. Undoubtedly. 

“However your mission isn’t to deal with the golem, it's to deal with the enchanter who made it.” Justin had known this was all leading into a mission, but he was still kind of shocked hearing it. He really hadn’t been expecting the mission to be  _ that _ . The golem was 800 years old, wasn’t it? How could it’s enchanter possibly still be alive? Were they not human or something? Justin supposed a witch, a sorcerer or even just a zombie like Sid  _ could  _ be an enchanter… he just really hadn’t considered that before. That would make this mission a lot harder if it was true though… it’d make a lot more sense as to why he was being sent there. 

“His name is Giriko, and I need you to bring him back to me.” Giriko. Justin rolled that name around in his head. He didn’t recall ever hearing a name like that before, maybe he really was a sorcerer. Although it still kind of sounded more like a name someone would give a dog than anything else… Maybe it was an alias? Or a nickname? Justin shook those thoughts away with a sharp frown, the guy’s name didn’t matter. What mattered here was-

“Do you want him alive?” Lord Death’s eyes bent up with his hidden smile and Justin felt something warm flutter inside of him. That was the first hint of real praise he had gotten since this all started, he basked in the reassurance it gave him. 

“Yes yes. You can rough him up all you like but I need him to be able to speak when he gets here. He needs to answer some things for me.” Justin’s hands twitched weirdly. It had been a very long time since he’d had to drag a target back for questioning, for judgement, for execution. He couldn’t decide how he felt about being sent back out for a task like that again. 

“Can you do that Justin?” Lord Death was looking at him, asking for his help. Asking him to do what he was made to do. What his weapon form was always meant for.

“Of course.” Lord Death perked up significantly, obviously relieved Justin had accepted. As if there was even a chance he wouldn’t of. They both knew Justin would never refuse, that he  _ couldn’t  _ refuse. They both knew that. Justin didn’t mind playing this game and pretending he could though. After all how could he be upset with it when it let him see Lord Death looking at him with so much trust? 

“Wonderful! I know you’ll make me proud out there!” With that dismissal Justin was shooed out with a final call of  _ ‘Please do try to hurry, we’ll need you back soon’ _ coming from behind him. It was such a quick and rushed ending that Justin found himself disoriented and confused in the empty hallway outside the Death Room. He took a moment just to stand there and figure out where he was before he finally sighed and stood up to his full height.

Loew. That was where he needed to go now. There wasn’t any time to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you are probably asking what the fuck about Azusa and Justin. I have no real excuse- when I was watching I made a joke to a friend that Justin suddenly seemed a lot like Azusa the second he started fighting Giriko. (it boiled down to them both being pissy, deadpan & no fun) That joke eventually turned into this huge overarching headcanon… Also Giriko's name sounding like a dog's name comes from the fact that in Japanese girigiri can mean gnashing/biting sounds so it makes me think of a snapping dog a lot of the time. 
> 
> Anyway all of that aside Giriko shows up next chapter, blessed be.


	4. Human Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a lot of you have probably been waiting for; Giriko's first appearance u-u)/ I have literally never written action/fighting scenes before so sorry if it sounds a little bit rocky 🙇 Also the next chapter of Loew will happen at some point, I'm sorry I have the attention span of a gnat.

This town was far too hot. Justin was already sweating, already pissed off. 

Everyone was running away from him. Shutters kept slamming shut in his face and the people who didn’t have a way to get Justin out of their faces were just flat out ignoring him, turning to face the other way and pretending he didn’t exist. He should really be applauded for his patience here. That he hadn’t snapped and forced someone to tell him where Giriko was hiding. The level of disrespect these people had for outsiders was insane. So much so that when he finally found a woman who quirked his eyebrow at him in question he couldn’t stop himself from asking-

“You're a sales town aren’t you? How do you get any customers trying to chase everyone away?” Justin knew he shouldn’t be taking out his frustration on this woman, especially because he was pretty sure there was no one else in this entire town that’d be willing to even look at him. He couldn’t help himself though, and luckily she snorted in a humored annoyance instead of turning away. 

“The people who buy from us need to buy from us. Can’t afford to go anywhere else. Hell there isn’t anywhere else.” There was something so ridiculous about that, so infuriating about it, that Justin actually felt his body bunch up in preparation to yell. Instead it all came out as a horrible sigh. He straightened up and tried to put himself back together. There was clearly no point arguing here. They were just unfriendly, there was no getting around it. It was clear that they were very proud of their incompetence after all. 

“ _ Right _ , so does a person have to shout immediately that they want to buy to avoid having a door slammed in their face?” Justin wasn’t actually asking, and it was clear he wasn’t. He was just pointing out how stupid they were doing this, because God. How was someone even supposed to buy anything like this? This wasn’t even about common courtesy anymore, it was about what was physically possible. Predictably she wasn’t too happy with his snide comment, and her face twisted into something sour as she puffed out her chest in an attempt to seem more threatening.

“Maybe they just knew you were more trouble than any sale would be worth, what kinda money does a kid like you have anyway?” There was a second, a moment where Justin felt his lips twitch, getting ready to peel back and show a truly horrific toothy smile. He bit his tongue and let his mouth fill with the taste of pennies. He had to stay calm here. Why was he having such a hard time staying calm? Sure everyone was rude, but he had dealt with this kind of stuff before. Maybe not to this extreme, but still, this wasn’t something entirely new. So why did it feel so much worse here? Why did the air feel so sickly? Was he just imagining it? Was it the madness? A weird sense of premonition? He wasn’t quite sure. All he knew was that it gave him even more of a motivation to hurry this all up and get out of this backwards ass town. 

“It’s not always about money, I have something far better to offer here.” The way her eyes flicked down for a second made Justin want to slam her head into the concrete. That was  _ not  _ what he meant, and she seemed to realize that was the case after processing what he was wearing. She seemed to realize a lot more than that actually. Her eyes narrowed horribly, looking at his cross with a scrutinizing expression. It was a weird moment, weird enough that Justin’s anger actually faded. What was she looking for? What was she realizing? 

“You’re with the academy, aren’t you?” Her tone was so unbelievably angry. She spoke as if Justin had just betrayed her or something. As if he had somehow tricked her despite the fact that he had literally been wearing this the whole time. It wasn’t like he was trying to be sneaky here. He couldn’t be blamed for her own lack of awareness. She seemed to be blaming him for it anyway. Her hands moved to her hips and she rolled the toothpick in her mouth to the front of her mouth. Justin could already tell what she was trying to do, and when she spat it at him he caught it with an unwavering expression.

“Don’t litter, it’s your  _ beautiful  _ town after all.” The poison that dripped of his soft remiprandment was thick and heavy. It was sticking to his teeth. Turning his smile black with it's dangerous tar. There was an unignorable warning in the air, oozing with the promise of violence. Telling her that it would be wise to not try something like that again. She seemed to understand well enough and when Justin bowed ever so slightly to give her back the disgustingly wet piece of wood she took it with quick fingers. 

“What do you want?” It was whispered. Scared. She wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible. Justin could only sigh. He never understood people. Who was so stupid that they’d throw around insults and not expect any backlash? More than one would think. It made Justin exhausted. It was exhausting to see people shrivel up and cry, to see them act like he was scary and in the wrong for responding to the threat they had very intentionally made. It wasn’t even like he was overreacting and hurting them, they just couldn’t handle being told to knock it off. 

“I’m looking for a man named Giriko, I wanted to ask him some questions.” Questions. People never minded the word ‘questions’. It was always important to say that instead of  _ ‘Lord Death wants to see him’ _ or even worse  _ ‘I’m taking him with me’ _ . It had to seem like no big deal, like nothing was going to happen. Otherwise they’d never give him up. Never betray their fellow man. As if he’d do the same for them. As if he wasn’t someone heinous hiding from his own crimes. 

“There isn’t any Giriko around here.” Justin’s frown worsened. He had been expecting this, especially after her oh-so friendly reaction to him being a part of the DWMA, but it didn’t make it any less annoying. They were protecting him, and it was a sorry sight. Justin had seen this shit countless times before. It always went the same way. They’d yell and scream at him as he came for his target, they’d try to defend whatever sorry fuck they believed was _ ‘still good deep down!!’ _ and then they’d be betrayed. Time and time again targets would throw the very people protecting them at Justin, or kill them and eat their soul in hopes it’d make them just strong enough to beat the scythe. 

“Are you sure?” He said it as if he was nudging her along. He was trying to be sympathetic here, he knew what it was like to trust someone so evil. Her face twisted into one of annoyed confusion. Justin felt the tiniest bit of hope there. It was a lot more than most people ever gave him. Most didn’t even bother to listen to him after he mentioned his interest. They became a scared protective blur. It was pitiful, it made Justin’s heart ache.

“Yeah I’m sure? There was one centuries ago- but he’s long dead?” The words hit Justin like a bombshell, disorienting him and leaving him scrambling to get into this new unexpected flow of conversation. The mood had shifted rapidly, at least for him. He had no idea what was going on anymore. She sounded sincere. This didn’t feel like any kind of cover up… especially knowing that Giriko was in fact the person to have made the 800 year golem. She wasn’t lying… or if she was, she was doing a good enough job to trick Justin. Pulling back slightly he stared at the floor, his eyes spinning in frustration. If Giriko was dead Lord Death would’ve surely known… Giriko had to be alive, otherwise Justin wouldn’t be here. 

“You have a golem problem right now, don’t you? Could you tell me where that’s happening?” Lord Death had sent students to deal with that problem, it wasn’t Justin’s mission and he knew he wasn’t supposed to be messing with it. Still, he couldn’t ignore the bad feeling pooling in his gut. Giriko  _ was  _ alive, but no one in this town knew that he was. Justin didn’t need to go asking around to know that. He could tell from this woman’s reaction that Giriko was hiding from  _ everyone _ , not just the DWMA. He was planning something bad. Something bad enough that he couldn’t risk anyone knowing who he truly was… 

“We already had students come by to deal with that, Saw called for them and took them up to-” Justin’s head flew up, making eye contact with the woman again. She flinched back, obviously unsure as to what had made him react like that. Justin didn’t bother to explain. That was exactly what he was looking for. Saw. If he wasn’t Giriko himself, then he undoubtedly knew where the bastard was hiding. He was who was attracting this attention. He was the person facing the opposite way as everyone else in this town. The one welcoming the students with open arms instead of slamming doors shut. 

“It’s my job as their teacher to make sure they get back safely, could you please tell me which way they went?” Her eyes narrowed slightly. It was a sloppy lie on his part, he knew it was, the question was if she’d care enough to pick at it. She gave him another once over, slow and mildly degrading. When she finished it off with a tired sneer and pointed over her shoulder up a dirt road Justin felt an excited relief wash over him. He didn’t care that she had just deemed him as unthreatening or whatever, that was her own problem. All he cared about was that he just had the gates to his target opened up wide for him. 

“Thank you for your help, we’ll be out of your hair before you know it.” He didn’t wait for her response before he turned on his heel, back for his bike. If Saw was already with the kids then things were fairly dire already, there wasn’t time for any more pleasantries. She didn’t seem to mind anyway, the second he turned around he could see her retreat into one of the buildings and slam the door, probably as glad as he was to be out of that conversation. 

Justin started to run before he even knew it, the smell of diesel and clay chasing him through the empty streets. He jumped onto his bike with a worried speed, not even sitting down all the way as he rushed it towards the hill she had directed him to. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. As glad as he was to figure out where he needed to go, he was substantially less glad to learn that the heat of his fight was going to be around children. Children who could undoubtedly be used as puny little shields that’d make everything messier. 

Tearing up the hill he felt the coffin on his bike rattle around with the bumpy road. He had a feeling that he might’ve needed two here… What was he going to do if Giriko and Saw really were two different people? Stack them on top of each other? He supposed he could kill Saw, Lord Death had only asked for Giriko after all, but… that felt wrong. Justin wasn’t sure why it felt wrong. He wasn’t sure why he felt like there was definitely two people he needed alive waiting for him up ahead. 

There was an ear piercing shriek that tore through the air right as he started to get close, it was loud enough to break past his headphones, it shook everything around with it's deafening howl and made Justin’s shoulders bunch up. He screeched his bike to a stop and flipped himself over the handlebars, rolling into a run. Things had gone strangely quiet. The air felt choking with all of smoking kilns. Something was going on. He could tell the students hadn’t died yet, he could feel the dwindling time. It was running thin, but it was still there. There was still a chance. 

Justin hadn’t realized just how hot this town was until he saw the blurry figures start to come into view, their forms distorted by the rising heat waves. Six. No, Five. One was the golem that started all of this. Three students, two on the floor. Two people glowering down at them. Justin’s arm blade came out at the same time that one of his targets attacked, kicking the still standing student far back. Justin felt the muscles in his legs strain, trying to move him just a bit faster. He should’ve stayed on his bike longer. Should’ve just tried to run the bastard over and dealt with things from there. 

He couldn’t hear his music over the heartbeat in his ears. Over the sound of his heaving breaths. He was panicking ever so slightly. He had messed up here. The students weren’t supposed to have had contact with anything but the golem here. This fight wasn’t supposed to involve them. 

The heat haze was starting to clear up with every step closer he got, but as he watched the man who must’ve been Saw step up onto one of the student’s weapons and ride it forward to attack, Justin wasn’t seeing much of anything. His vision almost blacked out entirely as he watched the bastard loop his weaponized leg around the kid’s neck, fully ready to decapitate a child. The smell of clashing metal burnt at Justin’s nostrils as he ran between them, slicing at Saw’s stomach as he punched both the student and Saw back, far apart from each other. He put extra pressure on Saw, enough that his foot scraped across the ground as his body was twisted towards his retreating target. 

The kid stumbled back onto the floor with an awkward noise, clearly glad to be freed from that situation but having issues processing that they weren’t dead. Justin didn’t blame them, his own chest was heaving as he tried to breathe out all his panicked overexertion. It was hard to believe that he had made it in time. There really wasn’t any way to cut it closer than he had. He had to make that up and get these kids out of here as soon as possible.

With that in mind he watched Saw spin off and ride his chains far around the shitty pathway to put space between them with a sneer. It was clear the man had sensed that he didn’t want to get in close contact with Justin until he had gotten things figured out. He knew what he was doing, he moved with the experience of countless fights before. It made all of this feel sticky, sickly. Like everything was going to get a lot messier. Justin’s hands clenched up ever so slightly and he stepped to the side, blocking the students off from whatever was about to happen. He supposed his mission was going to be momentarily postponed. Saw needed some punishment first.

From the way his target stood back up, a horrid sharp smile pulling tight around his teeth, it seemed like he was more than ready to face that threat. Pitiful soul thought there was a way to win here. Justin saw the man’s lips move and call for his attention, but he didn’t bother with any kind of response. He was far too busy noticing Saw’s fully intact stomach. It was a horrible disappointment to see that the man’s guts weren’t spilling out from where he had so expertly sliced him for sure, but it also raised a few questions. Mostly as to why Saw had those defensive chains out in the first place. Did he really think he needed them in a fight against children? There was no way for him to know Justin was coming, so was he really that scared of a couple of students? 

What a coward.

Saw spoke again, impatient and upset with the lack of a response. It was such a childish and weird reaction that Justin actually felt himself draw back a bit, slightly confused. Just who was he dealing with here? Seconds ago Saw had been trying to behead a child and now he was calmly listening to a witch explain something to him. A witch who had very intentionally covered her lips so Justin couldn’t see what she was saying… Saw’s lips moved around the word Death Scythe and Justin felt his eyes narrow. This was about him, some kind of briefing.  _ Fine _ , if they wanted to play that way he’d let Saw have that upper hand. He was still going to lose.

Breathing in Justin took this weird moment to prepare himself as well, taking his cross and holding it so tightly over his heart that his knuckles began to turn white. The position of ‘the son’, a moment to right himself. To feel his sore muscles and strained spine. He was exhausted. The madness that had been just barely tickling in his mind was starting to itch and burn and drive him completely crazy. It was making him want to scream and pull at his hair. Letting out a shaky sigh he moved his cross up towards his forehead, the position of ‘the father’.

_ “Oh merciful Lord Death…” _

Each and every bump he had gotten stumbling all the way from his branch to the academy to here was throbbing in tune with his heart. 3 days. It had been 3 days since he had felt Asura’s awakening. His eyes were caving in with a lack of sleep, his stomach was spinning with a lack of food. He felt dizzy and sick. So unbearably sick. Just like he had always been. Such a horribly sick child, unable to do anything right. Always falling flat. Always disappointing everyone because he was just too sick to be anything other than a burden. He moved the cross down before bringing it up to either side of his shoulders in a long graceful U shape, in the shape of wings. The position of ‘the holy spirit’.

_ “Grant me your strength.” _

Opening his eyes with a fervor he let his cross fall back over his heart, back to ‘the son’, back into this moment. Standing up stockley he threw his hand to the side, he could do this. Lord Death trusted him to do this. Lord Death knew he could do this. He had  _ made  _ Justin someone who could do this. Losing wasn’t an option. Losing wasn’t even possible. 

“DWMA students! Please stand back and let me handle this! It’ll be over quickly so please wait a moment!” It was loud. He was always loud, but this was even louder than he normally was. It was brimming with overconfidence and topped off with a concern that the students would get in the way and make this far harder than it needed to be. He could only imagine trying to deal with a bunch of kids trying to help and getting maimed. That’d be fun to explain. Luckily for him, they all seemed more than ok with bunching up by one of the kilns to watch. A bit of relief.

His eyes flicked to the witch for a second, making sure she wasn’t going to sneak behind and attack. It didn’t look like she was interested in moving anytime soon, and with her resting atop the golem it seemed like he wasn’t going to have to worry about anything but Saw here. Perfect. This wasn’t going to take very long at all. 

Saw was looking over him with infuriated eyes, circling around him in a wide, cautiously far away, semicircle. He was pissed off with Justin’s existence. Angry that he wasn’t the only self wielding weapon. Angry that he wasn’t special. Justin’s lips quirked into an amused smile. There was something almost fun about this guy. He was so ridiculous. He didn’t make any sense. Even though he clearly felt threatened by Justin, he was acting like this was a game. Like they were playing. It made Justin the slightest bit excited, the slightest bit giddy. He didn’t understand it at all, but that just made this fight all the more thrilling. He wanted to know why Saw was so confident. Why he wasn’t scared of the very real threat of death in the air. 

“Do you have fun kissing up to Death boy?” The rough comment snapped Justin back to attention and his face fell back into a horrible glare. He couldn’t forget what was happening here. He had students to protect, punishment to give, information to get. This was no time to be playing around. How could he even dare to think someone like this was fun anyway? There was nothing fun about a man who was willing to ruthlessly kill children and go so far as to enjoy it. This  _ thing  _ wasn’t much of a man at all, this was undoubtedly far more of a monster. 

Saw stopped his predatory stalking and turned sharp on his heel to face Justin head on, his hands awkwardly out to the side with his oversized mechanical gloves, He had got himself into a position where he’d be ready to move at a moment's notice. Justin shifted himself, making sure he’d be able to respond if Saw started to move. The atmosphere was heavy, both of them were sizing each other up, figuring out what to expect, how to move from here. There was no denying that they were on an equal playing field, that if either of them decided for even just a second to not take this seriously it’d be game. 

A beat, a breath, a  _ smile _ .

Saw rushed at him, so easily provoked by a simple flash of white. The rush of chains got increasingly louder, sneaking past his headphones more and more as the man got closer and closer. Justin threw his blade to the side, stopping the man’s leg before it made contact with the side of his head. His blade grinded deafeningly against the man’s chains with a shower of hot golden sparks. Immediately Saw swung away, as if he was going to move back, before trying to kick lower. Justin caught him again, crouching ever so slightly to meet their blades in another burst of red flickering light. 

He was on the defensive here right now, but it was clear Saw was just flailing at him in blind rage. Screaming something that Justin could only catch hints of between their moving limbs. Saw turned back, spinning on one of his legs to start attacking on Justin’s other side. Justin stepped back himself, turning to the side and hiding his vulnerable lock side as he continued to catch all of Saw’s blows. The smell of grinding metal was overpowering, it was making Justin’s throat dry, his nose burn. He felt like he was choking on all the sparks that were exploding all around his face. 

Saw finally drew back, releasing more of his chains and throwing them up into the air before jumping up with them himself. Justin could only watch as the man twisted his body around to make two perfect saws. They ran perfectly in a spinning figure eight, wrapping around his tautly held limbs as he came crashing down on Justin with another rough frustrated yell. The entire movement took so long to put together that Justin easily caught it, but the force behind it was enough that he had to bend down slightly and brace himself. He really was drowning in all the sparks now, they were tickling at his face in a dangerous warning. Telling him without words what sharp shredding force would come down on him if he dared to let go. 

Just when it felt like it was going to be too much, Saw drew back to kick his other leg up, going for Justin’s chin with his other chained leg. The rush of whipping air that flew past him as he threw Saw’s leg up off of him to dodge back from the other one was hot. Saw was letting off smoke, he was running his blades too fast. He was giving everything he had right now and still couldn’t manage contact. Justin felt a brush of pleasure from that, especially when Saw’s face came into view as he flipped back. He was  _ livid _ . Unbelievably and undeniably pissed that he couldn’t land a hit. That he couldn’t get a  _ response _ . He was trying to bribe Justin with information at this point, but none of it was what the scythe actually needed to get here. 

Turning his other arm into it’s lock Justin ran forward, not giving Saw a chance to catch himself and move back to an offensive position. This was his chance to turn the tide of this fight, to bring this pathetic tantrum to an end. Locking onto Saw’s leg he tied them together, giving the man nowhere to run as he grabbed onto the front of his shirt to stop him from falling back onto the floor. There was a moment of eye contact, a split second decision to be made. Execution or questioning. Justin rammed their foreheads together with all the force he could muster. He couldn’t kill Saw yet. He needed to hear more.

Saw’s chest vibrated weirdly around Justin’s fist as his nose crunched under the scythe’s face. He was yelling something in pain, flying backwards with a bloody nose that was getting all over both of them. It took Justin too long to realize Saw had thrown them backwards on purpose, that he was catching them on his mechanical glove so he could start to spin. The vertigo of being thrown in circles stuck to Saw’s leg as he twirled round and round was unbelievable, it was so disorienting that it took him a few seconds to realize he could just let go. 

Desperately releasing his headlock he felt Saw kick upwards, intentionally kicking him high up into the air so he’d have a harder time landing. There was a second that Justin wasn’t sure he could do it, but he somehow managed to curl his stomach inward and use the momentum to flip his body back to where he’d be able to land on his feet. The few seconds he spent falling out of the air was all Saw needed. He flipped up off his hands with a trained practice and whirled around on his chains to face exactly where Justin came crashing down. 

The clay dust they had kicked up swirled around them as they fell into another standoff. Justin’s nose wrinkled ever so slightly with the powdery, invading smell. Saw’s dripped with a renewed, fresh stream of blood. The man looked surprised by it, and lifted his thumb to wipe it away. Justin could tell Saw was in shock, processing that the scythe had been the first to draw blood here. That Death’s ‘errand boy’ as he so nicely put it, had managed to land a hit before he did. There was a beat of silence and Justin couldn’t stop himself from sighing slightly, expecting another immature outburst. 

When Saw smiled at him instead, his heart froze. 

What was that? Why wasn’t Saw freaking out and upset that he wasn’t winning? He had just been having a temper tantrum about Justin  _ smiling _ . He had just been freaking out about how annoying and pathetic Justin was for serving under Lord Death. Why did he suddenly look so pleased? What had happened? What was Justin missing here?

Saw brushed back his hair with an annoying calmness that in no way diminished his earlier freak out like he had probably hoped it would. Justin could only blink as the man said something or other about his excitement for this fight. As if they were sparring. As if this was just a game. There was a hint of an insult there. A whisper that said Saw hadn’t been taking this seriously and he was impressed with the fight Justin had managed to put up. 

Whether Saw meant it as an insult or if he was just a moron who didn’t understand the nuances of conversation didn’t really matter. In every way Justin sliced it, that comment just looked pathetic. It looked like Saw trying to cover up his impending loss with good natured words that would make him look like he had things under control, that would ease the mind of his  _ precious  _ witch. Something told Justin that Saw couldn’t allow himself to disappoint her, and that was quickly proven to be the case when he called for the scythe to take out his headphones. Justin’s mouth quirked into a piteous smile and he huffed out a tired laugh. 

_ He hadn’t even thought that Justin was listening. _ He had said that entirely for show. His sudden good naturedness wasn’t directed at Justin at all, he was just setting up a bunch of smoke and mirrors to hide his failure behind. How sad was it that he didn’t even have the strength to fess up to his own shortcomings…  

Justin stood back up to his full height, sensing that this fight was coming to a disappointing close. Saw wasn’t willing to lose even a little bit in front of his witch, and he knew Justin wasn’t going to go down easy. He was giving up. Justin was right in thinking he was a coward. Still… it was interesting how much a show he was putting on before running away.

Smiling Justin quirked up one of his eyebrows, waiting for Saw to stop his endless dribble so he could respond. At this point the man looked like nothing more than a washed up mess… and yet… Justin couldn’t stop himself from being excited to respond. There was something undeniably entertaining about Saw. Every new movement from the guy was so unexpected that Justin couldn’t help but want to see more. There was weird unfamiliar sensation bubbling inside him. A weird desire to play. To drop the seriousness like Saw had. He felt his heart beat weirdly, his mouth cracked open, he wanted… he wanted to play. 

“I can hear everything you’re saying you know? What a filthy mouth you have…” The way he said it was mocking, but Justin could hear the slight breathlessness beneath it all. He shouldn’t be talking to a target out in the open like this at all, much less teasing them, but he couldn’t help himself. He was having too much fun. He was too excited. He wanted to see how Saw reacted to it, if it’d be as vibrant and loud as everything else about him seemed to be.

It was. 

“Are you saying you could hear me this whole fuckin’ time!? You were just pretending!?” Justin wasn’t exactly sure where Saw had gotten pretending from, he hadn’t been pretending he couldn’t hear, he just hadn’t wanted to respond. There was a difference there. Also they had been in the middle of a fight, did Saw really expect to have a full blown conversation past the roaring of his chains? Apparently he had, at least if his bunched up snarling face had anything to say about it. Justin’s smile widened in a mixture of amusement and pity. 

“ _ Fuck _ you piss me off!” There was something so dramatic about the way Saw said it, he tilted back slightly as if the sheer force he used to spit the insult out had moved him. Justin almost laughed. This man spoke as if he were a cartoon, as if he was trying to entertain here. He was like a clown, only he didn’t need the paint to help broadcast his feelings, he could send that message screamingly loud all on his own. Justin’s fingers came to rest against each other in front of his chest in a silent, unintentional clap. He was being insulted, but there was something undeniably warm flowing out of his heart and over his shoulders. This was far more fun than it had any right being.

“Giriko.” Everything came screeching to a halt for Justin. Like a splash of cold water, like a train crash. His eyes widened and he looked over the witch with wide eyes. Giriko?

“What the fuck do you want!?” Saw, no,  _ Giriko _ , turned around with a horrible glare. Barking at his witch with a horrid anger. She predictably wasn’t very happy with him, and quickly told her weapon to watch himself. Justin wasn’t paying attention to all of that though. He was too busy wondering what the hell was he doing. His target was right here, of course he was right here. Justin had known coming up that there was a good chance that Saw and Giriko were one in the same, so why was he so shocked right now? Why was he upset? Why did he feel an uncharacteristic anger bubble in his chest as the weapon turned away from him to deal with his witch? Why did his chest feel so painfully weird when he realized he was being brushed off? 

“Fine I don’t care what happens to these brats, I’ll leave the rest up to you golem.” Giriko moved to pick his witch up and hoist her onto his shoulder. The unfamiliar upset in Justin fell like a rock, splattering onto the floor in black disgusting  _ hatred _ . His skin felt like it was on fire, all the distracting warm fluttering feelings were gone. It had been replaced with a heavy, crushing weight that pressed over him and threatened to make him explode. He felt his face twist into an expression he wasn’t sure if he had ever even made before. He didn’t know what he was feeling, all he knew was that it  _ hurt _ . 

“Get back here!” The words scratched at his throat as he yelled them, as he threw his arm out in front of him in preparation to shoot. Part of him screamed that this wasn’t the right thing to do, that he needed Giriko alive for Lord Death, but another louder part of him screamed that the most important thing here was making sure they didn’t get away. After all, both the options here were failure. Dead Giriko, No Giriko, either way he was going to be coming back empty handed. Might as well drag the corpse of a witch back with him. 

Before he could even try to aim at the quick moving weapon he felt the ground shake. The golem was going around him. Going after the students. Justin grit his teeth. He could still see Giriko, there was still a chance for him to shoot them down. To turn them into burnt little crisps that he could give to Lord Death as a consolation for his failure. It’d only take a second, the golem moved so slow anyways. The students wouldn’t just sit there, they’d run. Surely they had some sense of self preservation. 

“Crona!” The scream that burst through his headphones made his anger flare even brighter. What were they doing back there? What had Lord Death been thinking sending a team of students that froze up in danger out here? Taking one last glance at Giriko’s retreating form Justin ripped himself away to face the kids. One of them, Crona from the sounds of it, was blocking the golem’s punches horribly ineffectively, trying to protect the other two. Justin hadn’t realized it until now, but it seemed as if one of them couldn’t move. There had been an injury at some point. Ah. That explained why they weren’t running. 

With Giriko long gone Justin sighed out his nose and took stock of the golem. It was big alright… but not anything that’d really cause much of a problem. It was so old that Justin could honestly just smack it and it’d go shattering to the floor. Looking at it as up close as he was now, he could definitely tell why Lord Death had sent students to deal with it. There was just no way something like this would be worth the time for a normal elite, much less a Death Scythe like Justin. 

“Stand back, I’m going to go all out on it.” The students all gasped and moved back a bit, not questioning his call in judgement at all. Justin knew he didn’t need to make a dramatic show of killing this hunk of junk, but god would it make him feel better to slice off it’s head. There was a chance it’d make these kids feel better too. After all, if they thought a Death Scythe had to go all in to kill it then they’d probably feel proud that they were even able to hold their own until he got there. Yeah. That was a good excuse for why he was doing this. 

Letting out a shaky breath Justin bowed his head down into the small space he had boxed off by supporting his shooting arm. He needed a second. A moment to ground himself. Too summon the energy he needed to be able to attack as powerfully as he wanted to here. A quiet prayer began to spill past his lips, heavy and firm. Asking for strength, begging for direction. All of this had been far more messy than he could’ve ever expected. There was so much new information he had, both to report to Lord Death with but also just to deal with himself. 

Mainly what on Earth had been up with him today. Now that he was calming down, breathing steadily in prayer, he was realizing how abnormally he had been acting. It was completely unacceptable. Someone of his standing shouldn’t be acting like that  _ ever _ . So the fact that he had lost his cool while on mission was… Justin couldn’t even think of a word for it it was so horrible. It wasn’t like it was just embarrassing either. It was  _ scary _ . Was the madness really creeping in on him this quickly? Was he already failing to be of service because of his sickness? That… He couldn’t let that be the case. He had to fix this. He wasn’t going to let himself become useless. 

Flipping up into the air he shot his blade down over the rapidly approaching golem’s head. It went down on it's shining silver chain and lobbed the thing’s head off with a clean accuracy. Justin landed as it started to crumple and break against the ground, grabbing his cross and holding onto it with a bruising, worried grip. This wasn’t right. He didn’t feel any better finishing off this little mission and keeping these kids safe. He was being useful here, he knew he was helping and that despite his failure Lord Death would be glad he had made sure everyone got back in once piece. Knowing he was doing that should’ve been enough to calm him down. It had always been enough to calm him down before now. So why?

Why was he still so upset? Why was he not even worried about confronting Lord Death? Why was his biggest concern here not the rejection of his god, but the escape of some useless weapon that couldn’t even draw blood? It didn’t make any sense. 

This wasn’t the madness he was used to. There was something more than just his sickness here. There was something wrong with him. He could feel that there was something wrong with him. It felt like he had been infected by Giriko’s heresy… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, I got a little bit lazy at the end... Hopefully it still sounds alright though. 
> 
> Also who sent the teenage boy to go deal with the sexy enchanter? I’ll give Lord Death the excuse that he thought Giriko was 800 years old and crusty but if that wasn’t it and he thought his emotionally repressed confused baby scythe could handle it… Well, then dealing with a lovesick Justin is kinda his comeuppance.


	5. Reminders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones a bit short, a bit weird, and probably very unenjoyable to everyone but me, but sometimes it just is like that.

The drip of the faucet was so loud in the dead silent room that Justin sighed as it hit the bathtub water and rippled around him. He was  _ exhausted _ . 

Everything had been a blur getting back, it had been a hot minute of lassoing kids that were freaking out about nothing and getting Sid to take them off his hands so he could crash in torture room of the academy. It was all more than awful, but he had done it all with an admirable calm. Right up until he was told no, he couldn’t stay in that room but they had gotten him an apartment to stay in. Which was very nice of them, but he really hadn’t been in the mood to go on an adventure trying to find this place. He was so not in the mood that by the time he got here he almost ripped the door down thinking the lock was completely busted. It wasn’t, but it was definitely on the edge of breaking. It worked, but not well. Justin didn’t need that right now. 

Sighing again Justin slipped down further into the shitty bathtub this place had and dragged his head under the at this point cold water. His body had so much of it's heat sapped out by the bath that he was having a hard time feeling where he ended and the water began. He hated this. He didn’t even fit in this stupid tub. He had to drape his lanky limbs out of the thing in a way that probably made him look like something out of a child’s nightmare. It was so uncomfortable but he didn’t have enough energy to get up. He just felt warm tears squeeze out of the corners of his eyes and dissolve into the water all around him. 

He couldn’t breathe down here, the water was starting to seep past his tightly closed lips, starting to sneak past his eyelids and burn at his eyes. He had to sit up. He had to get out from under the water so he could breathe. His lungs were aching, his head was starting to feel hot from all the blood that was rushing up to help him hold his breath. He had to sit up. He had to let himself breathe. He had to relent and give his body what it needed to survive. He didn’t want to.

Breathing in dirty lukewarm water Justin flew to the surface, coughing and throwing up water and bile into the already grey bathwater. His throat burned, his nose felt raw and sore. Places where water was never supposed to go were soaked and in pain. His body shook horribly as he kept coughing. Each one sounded horrible and wet, loud with the sound of phlegm moving around and trying to find it’s way out of his body. Snot and tears were dripping down his face in a mess of the sorrow he couldn’t quite feel. 

There was a pain inside him, he knew it was there, it was bogging him down horribly, but… it felt so numb. It was like had been accepted as such a part of him that he couldn’t really separate it enough from his person to actually feel it. The water was dirty, but he didn’t have the energy to get up out of it. He brought his much too long limbs inward and pressed himself small into one side of the tub. His hands had gotten so tangled and wrapped up in his wet hair at some point that he wondered if he’d even be able to get them out. 

What was he doing? What was wrong with him? 

He had failed so horribly today that he didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t even just with Giriko. The second since his target had slipped away and he finished killing the golem things had fallen apart rapidly. He was still functioning, but that was about all one could say. It was like the floor had given out beneath him. It was like he had fallen into a bucket of hot black madness and couldn’t find his way out. Things hadn’t been great, but they had been  _ fine _ . Things weren’t fine anymore.

Meeting Giriko hadn’t been what he expected. Giriko wasn’t what he had expected. He had thought all of this was going to be  _ normal _ , and other than his failure it should’ve been. Giriko was more or less a standard target. He was younger than normal, louder than normal, but other than that met the bill pretty perfectly. So why had it felt so different? Justin couldn’t just write all of this off as madness. That’d be lazy, that’d be unhelpful, that’d let things get worse. Things couldn’t get worse. Justin couldn’t afford things getting worse. 

Watching the tub ripple with the all water dripping off his hair Justin felt his eyelashes grow heavy and wet. He wanted to go home. He was home. He just didn’t feel like it. He couldn’t feel at home while his mind was betraying him and making the world feel as if it was different than it had always been. As if  _ it  _ had changed, instead of Justin himself. Justin had changed. He had changed but he wasn’t ready to change yet. He didn’t want to not belong here anymore. He didn’t want Death City to stop being his home. 

Justin could feel his nails peeling off with the pressure he was exerting on them as he tried to grasp onto what he had always known as truth. Someone, something was tugging it away from him. Something had always been tugging it away from him, but only now was it starting to slip from his fingers. Only now was he realizing he was entirely underwater, a head full burning hot nothingness that sloshed around with the painful reminder he was  _ nothing _ without the academy’s guidance. 

He was alone down here, staring up through the ocean of madness, wondering why he couldn’t seem to climb out of it. It was as forgiving as water, heavy but let him move around freely with enough strength, but as soon as he tried to swim up it all turned into thick sludge that pinned him down to the bottom. There wasn’t any escape. He was trapped, unable to even see the world around him without the ugly black madness getting in his eyes and blurring everything around him into a pale imitation of what the world truly was. He couldn’t see the world for what it was. He was blind down here. Blind without the merciful rope the academy had thrown down. 

Slamming his fist onto the cold porcelain of the tub Justin stood up with gritted teeth. He wasn’t going to let go yet. He wasn’t going to lose himself to the madness, he wasn’t going to be become lost in nonsense. He wasn’t going to let himself drown in silence, grasping at the incoherent nothingness in his brain trying to find something to believe as truth. He had truth in front of him, he just couldn’t let go. Swinging his fist again Justin felt the wall dent beneath and blood trickle down his wrist. 

Stumbling out of the bath with blind eyes he tripped towards the sink counter and grabbed at his face when the world stayed as black static even when he threw the lights on. He wasn’t going to let this happen. This wasn’t going to happen. Digging his fingers into his left eye socket he grabbed at his skull, mirroring the action with his lower jaw on the right. He was human, he had bones and flesh. Scratching downwards he saw his vision sparkle with glittering white and he pulled his hands away so violently that drops of blood flew to decorate his mirror with shining star formations of gore. 

Something built up in his chest, begging him to scream out all the torment in his soul, to screech all the pain away and become mercifully empty. Instead he bit into his thumb hard enough to feel his teeth click against bone. He was drooling, choking. Something had to be done here. Something had to be fixed. He needed to be fixed. He was seconds away from bending backwards and fusing to the floor, from turning into a weapon just to be reminded he was one. To remind himself he was strong, that this was something he could do. He wasn’t sure if it was. 

He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Even Lord Death’s words were starting to feel like some sort of cruel joke. He was going insane. He was going insane when the academy needed him the most. There wasn’t any time for him to be acting like this, to be doubting things like this. Arching his back he listened to his spine pop as he bent in a way that would truly make anyone scream. His fingers were cracking erratically in every which way, searching desperately for stimulation, for something to ground him in this moment. For something,  _ anything  _ to stop the deranged panic licking at his soul and turning it black. 

Holding onto his face he felt everything stop in shock when he saw the white porcelain tub stare back at him, his vision finally restored. The eye contact he was making with the shining water clinging to the walls was prolonged and empty. The overwhelming feelings in the air were gone, he was just left awkwardly hanging from his hips. Moving to get up Justin felt his foot slide on the wet floor and screamed as he went crashing onto the tile, falling straight onto his face and crushing his head under his own ass. 

This just wasn’t fair. As he rolled over to the side to free himself from the awkward position he groaned at the small pool of blood that had undoubtedly been smeared all over his face with his bloody nose. His body felt cold and haggard, he could feel his bones jutting out and his stomach roll with hunger. Groaning again he pulled his heavy body off the floor, sweating with the effort of moving while as beaten up and weak as he was. He really needed to figure something out here, at this rate if an enemy so much as caught him off guard things would be over. 

He didn’t even bother to dry himself off before going to his room to dig a shirt out of his shitty beaten up bag. He hadn’t brought much with him to Death City, not even enough for a week really. At some point he was probably going to have to buy quite a bit of stuff. He really wished Lord Death would’ve told him how serious this was, he hadn’t thought he was going to be here longer than a few days. Rubbing at his nose he cringed at the bloody little flakes that scrapped at his skin and wiggled his wet skin into an old undershirt. The fabric was so dark and had long enough sleeves that his head and hands looked like they were floating in the dark room once he shrugged on a pair of equally dark sweatpants. 

The mirror that had been placed in the room as a courtesy mocked him, showing how the moonlight reflected his pale sickly skin and blue eyes in a way that made him look like a ghost,  _ like a monster _ . Something hiding within an innocent shell, hiding so well that it was tricking itself into believing it was good.  _ Lucifer with his grin stained black always believed he was in the right.  _

Justin’s lips pulled into an aggravated frown and he stomped out to get his coat out of the front room to throw it over the mirror. He was following under Lord Death’s decisions, he was doing what the Lord himself commanded him to. How could he possibly be evil? This madness… Lord Death knew of his madness, of his sin. It had been forgiven. He was a faithful servant, paying off his debt with every order followed. He was doing everything he could to make up for the sin he never even had a choice of whether or not to commit. 

A sharp reminder clawed around his throat with prying fingers trying to rip him open.  _ But you had just been doubting his words, hadn’t you? You almost let go of his direction to enjoy yourself in the madness.  _ Justin clenched his fists hard enough to feel his skin stretch desperately as to not split around his knuckles. He wasn’t enjoying it. He refused to believe he had been enjoying that. He wasn’t the one drowning himself in this pain… was he?

Brushing back his wet hair Justin left towards his darkened kitchen, well aware of the demon holding onto his shoulders being pulled along with a thin smile that was tickling at his neck. He refused to humor it, to worry about it's words. It didn’t seem bothered at all. It was just happy to have fought it's way to a place in his conscious thought. It was just happy to take away any chance of him getting rest. Justin couldn’t bring himself to be annoyed by it. As much as he hated it, the company was welcome right now.

Opening the fridge Justin crouched down and wiggled his toes against the cold tiled floors. It was empty, which was really to be expected, but Justin had sworn he picked something up on his way home. Did he just think about it so much that he had assumed he had done it when he hadn’t? He supposed that was possible, but he seemed to remember the plastic of the convenience store bag hurting his fingers. Standing back up he didn’t close the fridge door as he looked around in hazy confusion. 

Sure enough there was a wrinkled plastic bag spilling onto the counter from where it had been thrown when he had gotten back. With the shitty flickering fridge bulb as his only light he grabbed it and sat back down on the kitchen floor, his legs splayed out in front of him and the bag on his lap. He opened it with slow unsurety of a person being given a present from someone they didn’t know. He didn’t really remember what he had picked up, he wasn’t even sure if had known what he was getting himself, he had kind of been in a rush to get back before his polite and sunny disposition fell down the drain. 

Electrolyte drinks, sleeping medicine, protein bars and snack bread… no real food, but stuff that would keep him alive. That sounded right. Still, he had thought there was something that he needed to refrigerate, he didn’t remember what it was but he had thought there was something. Digging everything out of the bag he finally found just what he had remembered. His throat knotted up and his stomach flipped. He wasn’t in the mood to eat after all. Wrapping everything back up in a hurry he threw the bag back into the still open fridge and slammed it shut. His stomach growled in complaint but he ignored it and scurried to the couch, flopping face down onto it before he even got into any kind of proper position.

The tangle of limbs he left himself in wouldn’t be comfortable in any other circumstance but considering the far too long day he had, he melted into a sick puddle within seconds. If today was any indication of how things were going to go from here he was really going to have to pray. He had thought he had reached salvation awhile ago, but this was really proof he was still in hell. Cracking a grim smile into the couch cushions Justin rolled over just enough to hold his heavy head up by a hand and raised a challenging eyebrow at the man with Giriko’s face standing in the corner of the empty room. 

He had felt it’s eyes on him, seen it coming from a mile away. The second the suffocating pressure of insanity around his shoulders had eased up he had known something was happening, that someone was here to make a deeper stab. He was far too practiced with this bullshit to be taken off guard by such simple tricks. The satisfaction of seeing the enchanter’s eyes widen in shock at how fast he had been spotted was enough that Justin felt a deep pleased purr rumble out of him for a second.

The surprise on ‘Giriko’s’ face sadly didn’t last long at all before it twisted into shards of colors that bent around erratically until it's face broke apart into the kishin’s three eyes and a large slit of a mouth drooling with it's much too large teeth. Justin watched with a smile that dared it to take the shot as it staggered towards him with bent and broken legs and arms, it's skin so loose it was falling to the floor and tripping it. Justin could see every pore in it's disfigured body, in Asura’s body.

He wasn’t clueless, he knew who he was seeing right now. He knew who was mocking him, who was using the face of the bastard that had disrailed him so horribly. He knew who had been hiding on his shoulders, who was going to follow him until this game was set and match. Justin sat up as Asura got close enough that it’s spit was dropping heavy and wet onto Justin’s face. There was a heavy tension in the air and Justin was basking in it, finally something was happening. The air was finally picking up the slack and letting the headpoundingly strong madness seep out of his ears and return to Asura. He untangled his limbs and laid back onto the couch with an amused smile.

“You came all the way here for me?” It didn’t answer, but Justin wasn’t expecting it to. He hummed and let his heavy head fall to the side as he looked the monster up and down. So this is was Asura looked like, a deranged mess of flesh and bone. Seemed like a fitting appearance for a thing that had gone against Lord Death. Justin didn’t bother to attack it, he knew when he was outmatched. Plus there was far more pleasure in showing it he wasn’t afraid than to flail uselessly. It clearly wasn’t going to hurt him anyway, if it’s plan was to kill him it would be over already. 

“What are you looking for? You're never going to get anything done just staring like that. If you want me to go mad you’re going to have to try harder than this.” Justin knew the hot burning words that dripped off his tongue were a death sentence, he was mocking something that could very well make him fall apart, but at the same time… it was already trying. Wouldn’t an instant loss be better than struggling, suffering and then failing anyway? Biting his lip Justin looked pointedly away. He couldn’t start thinking like that. It was probably here  _ looking  _ for him to give up like that. This wasn’t over yet. He wouldn’t let it end without a fight.

A pair of knobby bony fingers came around his face, trying to grab onto him or force him to face it or whatever else. Justin turned back to it with a measured glare, demanding it to just get on with whatever this was already. It didn’t, or maybe it did. It just smiled and let it's skin stretch and twist, wrinkling up and deforming into a far  _ far _ too familiar figure. Justin jumped to life, but not out of fear. His arm was twisted back, winding up to punch Asura dead in the face and knock it’s stupid pebble like teeth right out of it’s face. It smiled and Justin’s fist flew right through it. 

Falling to the floor in a pile of sharp limbs for the second time Justin grunted and kicked himself up. He was ready to fight now. He didn’t care if his loss was inevitable. He wasn’t going to be taunted like that. He wasn’t going to be reminded of that pain. Scrambling for purchase on the cold floors Justin felt his toes fan out and grab onto the floors as he raised himself on all fours like an animal. Image and dignity weren’t on his mind right now, all he wanted was  _ revenge _ . 

He only managed to collapse again when he tried to jump up and turn while also rubbing at his wet eyes. The way he slid down onto the floor was pathetic, and his teeth grit together as he scrubbed at his eyes with a fervor, trying to wipe them back open. He had never heard of Asura being able to blind people, but as he felt the sharp crust of sleep break out under his fingers he realized that wasn’t what this was. 

Golden light started to seep past his eyelids and Justin felt a defeat settle in his soul. It look a few attempts to keep his eyes open despite horrible burning of the morning light, but once he did, he groaned out all his upset and pain. Was everything a cruel joke right now? It was well past daybreak, he was supposed to be at the academy right now. He had somehow slept in despite the fact that it really felt as if he hadn't slept at all. 

Forcing himself up he looked down at his pale bruised limbs, lanky with protruding veins that begged for him to gain some weight so they wouldn’t be so vulnerable. He didn’t really remember rolling up his sleeves and pants but he had a good feeling that he didn’t remember a lot of last night. He supposed it didn’t matter what had happened though, and he honestly didn’t even want to know. Scratching at his bare ear he moved to grab his headphones off the counter and get dressed. Azusa was going to be fucking pissed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly set dressing right now and the loose ends are supposed to be loose ends so keep ur socks on its fine I didn't forget anything and I'm not going to forget them either I have the answers drafted out already. I'm going to try to focus on updating this story this month so hopefully people like this story bc its going to get a few updates before I post other stuff,,


	6. Digging Graves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to come back after so long with such a short chapter but it really is just transitional so there isn't much to say (also I've been in a horrible writers block and all my chapters have been so short and im really angry about it I don't know what happened ;-;)

Justin had known Azusa was going to be pissed, and he was not mistaken. He hadn’t even made it up the stairs before feeling a clipboard smack him so hard across the face that he actually needed a moment to right himself and figure out what had just happened. It was a modern marvel that he managed to stop himself from throwing it right back at the currently unknown assailant, but since he had a feeling that it was going to be her he only picked up the clipboard and turned to give it back to her with a dangerous smile.

“Is there something I should be reading here or did you just want to hit me?” Azusa didn’t seem the slightest bit amused by his cocky response and sniffed in distaste as she moved to snatch her clipboard back. Justin kept his grip on it tighter than he needed to, to make it just a little bit harder for her, making his distaste known in a silent way that she would most certainly notice. Her glare darkened a bit at the resistance.  

“You were supposed to be here an hour ago, we aren’t in a situation where you can mess around.” Azusa’s voice was undeniably pissed off but there was an air of distress under it all. She was worried. Something had happened. Justin could feel a sense of exhaustion fall over him. He wasn’t ready for all of this to start up yet. He had only just managed to get out of his apartment and self-created angry cloud of disgusting black bubbling hatred, and now he was being tasked with something new. With dealing with whatever Azusa was about to unload on him… he could feel his anger flickering back up again already.

Justin wasn’t an angry person, at least, no one who knew him would ever call him that. He had almost no temper, kept a serene air about him that sometimes got a faux saccharine flavor to it when he started getting fed up, but he never snapped. He was starting to feel himself snap. He was getting aggressive, he had just tried to attack an illusion like some god forsaken lunatic… Fighting against Azusa in anyway was a worst case scenario, he  _ couldn’t  _ let himself get too impatient with her, but he could already feel his will starting to weaken with that less than considerate smack to the face.  

“I know, finding my way around the city isn’t the easiest thing yet, I thought I gave myself more time than I needed.” It was a complete lie, but Justin was fairly good at making excuses for himself and stating them in such a way that most people would take it with a huff and forgive him, especially Azusa who really just wanted him to take responsibility for the mistake- which he was. Luckily she didn’t press at that lie, she huffed in disappointment before deciding to cut to the chase and say what was really making her pissed off here so he wouldn’t have to try and guess why she was still in such a flurry. 

“Last night’s emergency should’ve gotten you here hours earlier like the rest of us, Justin. What stopped you from coming in?” Justin froze at that, the entire world seemed to stop between them and something hot and hard pressed on the back of his tongue and made him salivate with the threat of just throwing up right there. The word emergency was hammering against the sides of his brain, trying to shoulder ram it's way right of his head and leave him blissfully blank, instead a tiny line of drool came out the corner of his lips. Azusa noticed immediately, a disgusted sneer followed a look of concern.

A second passed before the realization came over her and she stumbled back. That was all the go ahead Justin needed, he was vomiting onto the floor before he even realized he had bent over. The horrible gasps coming out of his throat were pained, each one letting the raw burnt passage of his esophagus feel as if was on fire, the plain bile that seemed as if it was enough to melt through the floor. Coughing again and awful whine came out of him before he snapped back to attention. Fully erect, standing as if nothing happened, nothing had happened. Azusa was just watching him with an annoyed expression, tapping her foot as she looked for her answer. 

“I slept through it, what happened last night?” Azusa raised an eyebrow, doubtful while also not really having any idea of how Justin could be lying. Apparently whatever happened should’ve had him running. Justin didn’t curse, but if he was alone in the company of no one but himself he would’ve let something slip there. Had he really lost so much of his mind already to be missing things that were apparently so glaringly obvious that every but him had come running back at god knows when? He had to be… he clearly should’ve noticed what Azusa was talking about but he couldn’t think of a single thing last night that would’ve warranted this inquisition. 

“Asura has been targeting the academy with his maddening screeches, he’s hiding somewhere just far enough Lord Death can’t get him but where he can still hurt our defenses. Last night we had hundreds of students coming in not feeling right, and who knows what else happened unreported.” Asura’s smile from last night stretched thin and toothy besides Justin, just out of the corner of his eye, just out of sight, begging him to look over at what he already knew wasn’t there. It was a blatant taunt… and a cruel reminder that he  _ did  _ see the emergency but was crazy enough to think nothing all that important was happening… 

“What are we-” Azusa held up her hand, stopping the words right in Justin’s mouth so she could stare him down with a truly fearsome glare that tried to pull everything inside of Justin right out into the open where she could pick it apart into little pieces. 

“Did you really not feel anything?” They were in the middle of the elite’s hall, anyone could walk right up to them if they wanted to, someone could accidently walk in on this without even trying. Justin’s jaw locked up and he stood up intimidatingly straight, showing off his newfound height advantage without even thinking about it. His control was slipping, a disgusted expression graced his face despite his better knowledge knowing it was time to act dumb and innocent. 

“What are you saying Azusa?” Predictably the other scythe wasn’t amused with his aggressive response and put her foot down with a deafening slam that had him shrinking with confused and teary eyes. Panic was settling down over him… who was he? Why was he acting like this? It was like he didn’t have any control over what he was doing, acting all high and mighty against Azusa as if she was an enemy, as if she was trying to fight him there… and now he was on the verge of tears... He wasn’t ok. Something was wrong with him and he just wanted it to end. 

“You need to take this seriously Justin, you can’t just pretend nothing is wrong and-” Azusa stopped herself, taking off her glasses and cleaning them on the bottom of her sweater with a furrowed brow… a nervous tic. Something was happening over his head here. There was something Azusa knew that he didn’t… or at the very least that he couldn’t guess. He’d be stomping his feet over the fact she wasn’t telling him what she was thinking with him, but he also knew if he did she’d just demand him to fess up and say everything that was going on as well. 

“Lord Death asked for you.” The unexpected words were said through angry gritted teeth, like Azusa disagreed with whatever Justin was being called for but knew she couldn’t do anything about it. She looked distraught, her eyes shifting as she tried to come up with an answer that Justin could already tell didn’t exist. His nerves ramped up even higher. What was he being called for that was making Azusa so nervous? Did Lord Death know? Was he in trouble for not saying anything? Was he going to be punished, or worse discharged? Had he finally hit the end-all failure that he had always known was- shaking his head as unnoticeably as he could Justin whipped the racing thoughts out of his mind. 

“I see, so… am I wanted now? Should I head over?” Azusa cracked her jaw and stood up straighter, trying to compose herself, Justin could tell she was having her own problems minding her tongue right now. Whatever was waiting for him was something worth being very afraid of. Justin balled up his hands into fists, letting his nails press into his palms discreetly so the pain wouldn’t be obvious to anyone but him. He wanted her to answer already, he wanted to get moving, he wanted to keep moving so he wouldn’t be forced to dwell on what was happening here. 

“Yes… He has an important mission for you. Time is of the essence.” The response was soothing in multiple ways- one he wasn’t being discharged or punished, and two he could leave this uncomfortable situation. Still, everything felt gross and sticky. Something bad was impending, it was hammering at the back of his head, covering the entire hall in dark foreboding clouds that choked him with their thick humidity. 

“Ok, I’ll be going then, thanks for letting me know Azusa.” She clearly tried to hide the guilt that came over her face, doing everything in her power to not scare him further. It was hopeless though, they knew each other too well to hide anything from each other. Justin let her believe she was doing a decent enough job and left with a painfully fake reassuring smile. Her frown beat into his brain like thick metal stakes, trying to shatter his composure and splatter the remaining wreckage of his mind all over the walls. 

Luckily, as painful as it was it thankfully marked the end, letting him escape with his dignity intact. Letting him head to the Death Room with nothing more than a worried pair of eyes following him. He hurried up as unnoticeably as he could. He wanted to just know what all of this was about already, he was sure it wouldn’t be as scary as Azusa was making it seem, she worried about everything she couldn’t do herself. She couldn’t trust anyone to do anything themselves without fucking it up… she was probably just freaking out about that…

Swinging open the doors Justin ducked inside, ignoring the children who seemed to have just left the room themselves, staring at him with wide curious eyes. He grit his teeth, enraged by the nosy attention that probably had nothing to do with him in particular but certainly felt personal with how erratic he had been feeling. 

For once he had the foresight to take out his headphones as he approached, he almost was proud of himself for remembering, but the feeling never caught onto anything and just pathetically fizzled out in a pool of self hatred. That wasn’t something worth being proud of, that was just what was expected of him… Pride looked horrible in the face of Death anyway, humility was what was important here, it was what kept him safe.

“Ah Justin, I’ve been waiting for you… there's something important I need you for.” Normally Justin would melt at those words, he’d be so happy to hear he was needed that any pain or worry would disappear entirely. That didn’t happen this time, he just nodded in acknowledgement, waiting to hear what exactly this important thing was. Lord Death made an awkward noise, unsettled by his lack of excitement here, sounding the slightest bit guilty himself… mirroring Azusa’s uncertainty. 

“Well, I’m sure you heard what Asura has been doing.” Nodding again in ascent, Justin felt a dark sludge start to roll in his stomach like a dangerous acidic blob eating his innards away. He didn’t know exactly where this was going yet, but he had an idea of it now. He knew it was something that warranted the concern Azusa had been displaying. This was starting to sound like it was going to be worse than being punished. Maybe it was a punishment in of itself, disguised as a mission to look better on paper.

“We need someone to go find him and scare him off, I’m obviously not asking you to fight him, just to be loud enough to get him back on the run.” A quiet uncomfortable laugh snuck past Justin’s lips, amazed at what he was being asked of right now. It was so shocking that he was the one being chosen for this that he couldn’t stop the reaction until it was too late. Lord Death sighed in a heavy disappointment, it stung at his skin a bit, but not as much as it normally would. He was still too dumbfounded to have any other real emotion. 

“This would be a risky venture for anyone, and I know it's asking a lot to have you do it alone, but with your bike I think you have the best ability to get him to run without having to get that close.” That certainly felt like a lazy excuse, but Justin took it anyway with a small sigh. It wasn’t like he could refuse, if this was the fate Lord Death had chosen for him there wasn’t any avoiding it. He had to take it with gritted teeth, and he would. 

“I understand, I’ll find him for you.” For the first time in Justin’s life Lord Death’s smiling eyes didn’t give him any type of satisfaction or pleasure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok you know that one throw away scene in episode like 27 or 30 or whatever where Lord Death asks Justin to find Asura and then its never brought up again? Yeah I'm mad about that, what the fuck was that about and why did it never come back up? (I have some theories about it but like come on, why isn't there anything concrete there)


	7. Spider's Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is where I start drifting from canon/making mistakes. I'll talk about them at the end of the chapter to avoiding spoiling but damn... I tried

The sneeze that wracked out of Justin’s entire body ended with an annoyed and tired noise of distress. The dust was burning at his eyes and nose so horribly that just maybe he could start to understand the people who wore goggles and bandanas and looked like crooks now. This was ridiculous. There was no one at this pit stop, the smell of sand and diesel were the only things keeping the tired old pump company… Justin honestly wasn’t sure if it was going to work at all, but since there wasn’t any other station around that he had seen he didn’t have much of a choice. 

He pulled the hose out of the pump and grimaced at the suffocating smell of gasoline and the cold wind blowing past his ankles. The heavy weight was familiar, expected, but still made his tired worn out arm pull down painfully as he moved to fill his bike back up. It was lucky he hadn’t gotten completely deserted in all honesty. He had been such a haze getting out of Death City that he had totally forgotten to check if he had enough fuel to get where he needed to go… and he most certainly hadn’t. 

Finding this stop had been just about as stressful as the rest of his life had been lately. Filled with fear of knowing that any second he could just stop moving and become useless until he managed to push his way to a gas station… with no idea as to where the next one would be. It was amazing that he had managed to find this place, as weird as it was. Maybe amazing wasn’t the right word though. The fact that he kept getting ‘lucky’ and finding stuff that would let him move forward was good… but was it really? The hole he had dug for himself had been 6 feet under by now.

Still, Justin was haunted with the feeling that once he stopped there wouldn’t be anyway to get going again. If his bike stopped he wasn’t sure if he would’ve been able to get it back going, and he  _ had  _ to keep going. Stopping meant death, and Justin was too stubborn to admit defeat yet. The hole could go deeper, he could survive through the ground water and the cold muck… he had before. It made the beaming sun of the desert feel cold on his skin though, it felt fake like a sad lamp that was there trying to make him feel better with it's dull glow but couldn’t. Nothing could.

It was a feeling that was far too familiar. 

In the hours he had been driving aimlessly, feeling for which directions made his madness feel more erratic and painful and moving further in that direction to find Asura, he wondered how much longer things would be like this. As much as he liked to believe that immediately before this he had been living a life that proved he was all ‘better’ he knew he wasn’t. It was just a sunny patch. His entire life felt cyclical. Again and again he seemed to end up back here. 

The older he got the more it seemed like that the idea of ‘one day it’ll be better’ was fake. It did get better, sometimes. There were days, weeks, even months where everything seemed alright, where his mouth which seemed to be in a permanently straight line, would quirk into a genuine smile and not just a sugared showman one. Were those moments what made life worth living? Were those moments of feeling like a real person that got to experience life like everyone else nothing more than a treat for him? 

It was starting to feel that way.

As much as he dreamed of a day that he’d be like everyone else, that he’d be able to live the life of any other scythe and work without having to feel as if he was going insane from pressure… it didn’t seem like it was coming. Justin had been spending years under the academy’s treatment, he had been picked up forever ago with the promise that one day it’d be ok… that promise seemed so hollow now. It seemed so hollow as his entire body kept locking up, preventing him from ripping his head straight off his body with a sickening shriek.

He wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and let his too long arms start to tear him apart, bloody chunks ripping off the top easily like he was a perfectly peeled pomegranate. The small red gems of fruit made from his pieces would scatter from his fingers as he threw them into the sky and let them glitter in the desert sun. They'd be perfectly juicy to save the thirsty traveler… but knowing his track record of being useless he’d probably dry out in the heat before then. Scratching the back of his neck Justin absentmindedly traced where it’d be easiest to get a grip on the skin and hooked his nails on it. In reality pulling his skin off would be next to impossible, but the idea of fulfilling his fantasy was right under his fingers… of getting all this stress out from under his skin…

The gas pump clicked making him jump as he realized where he was and what he was doing. 

Looking around to see the station was just as empty as it was when he arrived Justin sighed heavy out his nose and moved to put the nozzle back. He was almost upset he had been stopped, just once he’d like to be allowed to dissolve into his madness and feel the stimulus his mind was begging for… but he also knew once was all it took before there was no going back. Like a forbidden fruit once he finally lost control and let himself fall apart he’d never be the same.

As he paid for the gas… he looked around a bit more, wondering where this money was even going… shrugging he supposed it wasn’t his problem and got back onto his bike. He couldn’t be bothered to care about the well being of some random person’s business, if they wanted to leave it like this that was their own choice. They all chose their own crosses to die on and if whoever owned this place had chosen to die trusting others to pay him fairly then Justin would just wish him the best and go on his way. 

Pushing back the break he pulled out without much fuss and got back on his way. Finding Asura hadn’t exactly been a fruitful venture, he had really just been driving aimlessly justifying switching directions based on his mood but turning around more often than not. He’d feel bad about wasting time if it weren’t for the fact that Lord Death and everyone had to have been expecting this. How the hell was he supposed to know where to find Asura? He could be anywhere in the whole world. 

He was honestly starting to wonder if this was busy work or something. If Lord Death had just wanted him out of the academy for awhile. It had to be something like that, right? Where was he even going? He was well out of state bounds at this point, driving pointlessly north for no real reason other than the fact that it felt right. He had a feeling that was what Lord Death had wanted him to do, and probably had picked him for this reason… but Justin had next to no experience following his gut.

Normally he just followed the instructions given to him without any fuss, not letting himself worry about whatever they were too much. He had learned long ago not to trust himself, staring down into a puddle of blood with wide eyes that laughed mockingly at him, asking if he really wanted to keep making his own decisions. If he wanted to repeat this again. He didn’t. His ‘gut instinct’ might as well of been a demon that twisted out of his soul like a demented pile of flesh that would bend around growing teeth to devour his vulnerable body and leave him a helpless bystander to his own actions. 

So letting it be the thing guiding him felt wrong, it felt dangerous. Justin had stopped on the side of the road more than once, dry heaving onto the dried polluted grass trying to somehow expel the thoughts that swam and kicked around in his fluid mind, banging on his skull beginning to break free. The meninges of his brain in their shitty plastic wrap like toughness were starting to feel suffocating, like they were wrapping him up so tight that as he bent around to try to rip his way out he was only making more room for the dangerous thoughts to flood out and drown him in their trash bag like structure that just wouldn’t tear open. He was completely trapped within his mind. There was no breaking free. 

Tearing a piece of flesh off the corner of his lips Justin held his breath for a second before letting it go in a long pained sigh. He was still in a desertous area, but it wasn’t anything like Death City anymore… it was cold up here. Justin didn’t even know it was possible for a desert to have snow, but suddenly he started to notice flurries falling around him, sticking to the grasses and road. It looked a lot less like sand now and more like dry thin dirt that greedily sucked up every piece of snow, desperate for the water, desperate for something to bring it back to the state it once was in. 

He must’ve spaced out at some point… this wasn’t the same kind of desert at all, he had to have been driving for hours to have seen such a change in scenery… he was well out of Nevada at this point. Somehow that made him nervous. Like he was leaving a safe place and going into the belly of the beast… it was close. He had been right going north. He could feel the heavy wavelengths of Asura’s madness more than ever now. It was seeping into his mouth and nose like a poisonous gas that made him high, dizzy and feeling like he needed to lay down and grab at his head to try and subdue the sudden pounding headache that had come out of seemingly nowhere. 

Taking one of his hands dangerously off the handles of his bike he rubbed his eyes with a pained moan. It was hard to even keep his eyes open now… the pain was throbbing… forcing one of his eyes open to keep an eye on the road Justin kept the other side of his face knotted and bunched up in a shit attempt to hold back the pain. Asura was here. Looking forward to the mountain range he was nearing Justin swallowed back the lump that was forming in his throat. They were right… he was close enough to Death City that his screaming would travel but somewhere isolated enough that he could hide from everyone. He had found him…

Throwing one of his arms back to grope at the controls for his speakers Justin found the knob for the volume and cranked it all the way up. The sound was deafening enough that Justin could feel his entire bike jump with every beat, the bass making Justin start to white knuckle the handles of his bike to not spin out of control. The music was louder than even he was used to, and within seconds of turning it on there was a sudden deafening shriek, one that had Justin flinch, letting the overpowering music trip him up and make him twist the handle awkwardly with his fear… and send the entire bike rolling. 

Any kind of scream he could’ve made in response had to wait, he was rapidly approaching death as his bike tried to flip over and crash on top of him. The scenario of his blood and skin being rubbed deep into the concrete and needing to be scraped off flashed behind his eyes as he turned his arms and stomach to the stiff metal pillars of his weapon form. It was a miracle, but in the last few seconds he managed to take the weight of his bike onto his reinforced metal frame and flip it over him, letting it crash off to the side of the road as he kept himself in an awkward handstand, his arms fused into the ground and unwilling to let go until it was sure he was safe. 

Looking over to the wreckage of his bike, still impressively blasting music, Justin lowered himself down with a disbelieved huff of laughter. What the hell was that? How had he let that happen? How had he already almost died without even getting close enough to see the Kishin? Rubbing his sweaty bangs back Justin let himself crouch on the side of the road for a minute to just stare at his bike… to process the fact he could’ve just died right there. 

His bike was beaten up pretty bad, panels busted inward, but it was still in one piece… it’d probably run until he could at least finish this mission… but seeing something he put so much effort into upkeeping fall into disarray within seconds like that was making his eyes burn in frustration. He couldn’t keep  _ anything  _ together anymore could he? Not even his own possessions… 

Hugging his knees to his chest Justin watched the shaking bike jump in rhythm to his music. Nothing would suddenly make it pop back up and be fixed, but he couldn’t get himself to stand up and start to fix it himself yet either. Plus now that the shock was passing he realized how much his arms hurt, the weight of his oversized bike had pushed down on the joints something awful, even his towering and heavy weapon form wasn’t made to support that much. It was a miracle the metal hadn’t just bent and left him with shattered arms in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home… 

A heavy breeze went by with a long prolonged honk of a disgruntled driver blasting past him, not running over him but getting close enough that they were angry about it. Justin didn’t even blink as his coats fluttered with the rushing wind. His fingers were cold. It was getting hard to bend them out here. Just where had he ended up? Asura had certainly picked an odd place to hide… did the cold not bother him? Justin supposed from what he heard the man certainly wore a lot of clothes, but so did Justin… Feeling his heart beat sharp and painful in his chest with the sudden similarity drawn Justin stood up sharply, moving to get his bike upright again. 

He didn’t want to think about anything anymore, he just wanted to get this moving. 

Brushing off the ripped seat and tearing off a metal plate that was sticking dangerously off Justin evaluated the damage with a strained frown. It didn’t look good at all, but there wasn’t any oil leaking or any obvious damage to the internal machinery… too bad Justin didn’t know more about how this kinda stuff worked… he’d just have to trust his eyes here and say it was fine. Not like he’d have much of a choice if it wasn’t fine anyway. That was the thought that followed him as he got back onto his bike, noticing the forest path way he had happened to crash in front of.

Just staring at it made his stomach churn, everything in his soul was telling him not to go that way… Ah. That had to be where Asura was… up in a mountain, a place no one would bother to go. Especially if they started seeing things on the trek up. It was the perfect hiding place, and it would take enough time to climb that Asura would have ample time to prepare himself for whoever was coming. Going up there would be more than just dangerous, it’d be moronic. Justin knew that… but he also knew he had been given a job here.

Setting down the brake he took out the keys silently, letting the music continue to blare as he got off again with a slow caution. Justin had the soul wavelength of a Death Scythe, but of a baby one. His soul wasn’t nearly as strong as the others who had years of experience over him, but it was still nothing to scoff at. The question was if it was powerful enough for Asura to notice him approaching… There was a good chance he was weak enough to slip under the radar here and take the Kishin by surprise, scaring him off with a big boom or a loud scream or something that would make the cowardly demon bolt. 

If Asura did notice him though… Justin wasn’t even sure what would happen. Who could say if he’d end up completely insane or dead or something in between the two… if his soul would be eaten or if his weapon form would be mutilated for use like Asura had done to his original partner. All he knew was that whatever happened wouldn’t be good. Yet he was still heading up, letting his too large dress shoes that he had still to replace, crunch against the now accumulating snow.

He was breathless, scared to move forward but forcing himself up in short bursts before freezing again, turning purple with how much he was holding his breath. This was insane, he was doing something completely insane here… Lord Death must want him to die, how on Earth was he going to pull this off? There was no way he was going to survive this, no way he was going to be able to scare off the Kishin alone, it didn’t matter how cowardly Asura was. Taking another heavy step forward Justin heard a swear from the distance. A voice that wasn’t his own and certainly wasn’t Asura. 

It was hard to hear, but considering the booming music from both his headphones and his bike the person must have screeched it. There was someone else here, someone who must have been looking for Asura as well… They had to be… there was no other reason to be climbing a dead end cliff off the side of the road like this. Ducking behind a tree Justin peered out to see if he could catch a glimpse of whoever else was out here. 

There wasn’t anyone he could immediately spot, they were a good deal away whoever they were… but as Justin scanned over the area a few times he managed to spot a group of three trekking up the mountain, already a bit higher than he was. Their wavelengths hit Justin immediately, one of them giving a distinct flavor that turned Justin’s stomach toxic.  _ Witch. _

Somehow a witch had beaten him here and was trying to do something with Asura… the danger of this situation went up ten fold. Lord Death clearly wouldn’t have any idea of this, and it was of the utmost importance that Justin survived now, he had to get this information back. He had to see what was happening. He had to be able to tell everyone so they could figure out what to do from here. His frozen hands clutched into cold bark.

He had to follow them, but he couldn’t be noticed… if they saw him they’d undoubtedly look to kill him… Justin couldn’t sense much power from the other two with the witch, at least not over her and Asura’s overwhelming soul wavelengths suffocating everyone else’s souls, but counting them out as easy prey would be dangerous. They could very well be just as deadly as Justin himself, especially in combination with their witch. Moving hesitantly to hide behind another tree Justin held his breath and tried to suppress his soul wavelength and let it melt into Asura’s so he wouldn’t be felt in the air.

The snow was still sparse right now and the dark rocks of the mountains made his robes blend in well enough, but once there was more he was going to stick out like a sore thumb… he was going to have to rely on his cloak to look like a dumb snow covered rock or something. Which was even more dumb to think about then he originally thought. He was just screwed here if it got too snowy. He had to move now, he couldn’t afford to slow down for even a second.

Finding a bit more bravery in himself Justin threaded in a random pattern through the tree cover, coming up to a few rocks shoulder height he had to lift and kick himself over. It was going to be hard to not make any sudden movements here… he wasn’t used to climbing like this. Lucky the group above him looked too busy arguing amongst themselves to notice what was happening around them…

The odd fight actually got Justin to slow down, peering over another sharp edge of stone to see one of them squabble around with what looked like a short man, one that was extremely old with the distinct air of a sorcerer… albeit an incredibly weak one. The witch in front was completely ignoring them, apparently used to this. Justin was honestly shocked she was allowing such unprofessionalism to take place in her presence, but he supposed that wasn’t really worth thinking about. 

There was soon another scream from the taller man, the younger one, and it broke past all the loud noise and actually made his mouth move noticeably enough that Justin was able to read his lips even from the distance he was at.  _ ‘What the fuck is up with this goddamn music! Are we really in the right fucking place? I’m starting to think we’re about to stumble into some weird cult’s party!’  _

Justin blinked before smiling slightly, his cheeks warming up from more than just the cold as he ducked further behind the rock he was sheltered behind. For some reason this person’s weird way of talking felt familiar… Justin was sure he didn’t know anyone so crass though. Even Spirit had to keep his appearance up,  _ ‘for the ladies’ _ as he claimed. So who on Earth was this? 

Deeming it safe to move again Justin scrambled up a few more ridges and long fallen logs. There was probably a better way to climb up here, but it probably wasn’t as well hidden or would let him keep an eye on this rather odd party. Once he got a bit closer he realized just who he was looking at. Sharp metal piercings, golden wheat hair, dead tired eyes with an undeniable and constant hatred behind them. This was Giriko… which meant the witch had to be…

Arachne looked down from the mountain with an amazing calm, a thin smile and a raised eyebrow. When her eyes met Justin directly, the scythe felt his heart stop dead in his chest, all the blood draining out of his face. The soft smile she gave him seemed almost motherly, but had a bitter taste of malintent under it all. Justin felt as if his soul had been ripped straight out of him, her gaze felt so intrusive even after she turned away and continued up the mountain. 

Justin gasped, apparently having stopped breathing at some point, and fell to his knees. The sudden force of his entire body weight slamming into the cold sharp rocks of the mountain stung, but he barely noticed it. He felt completely disarmed, as if she had found out everything about him and had looked down just to let him know she had. That was a threat, that was mocking, that was her  _ telling  _ him something. 

But what exactly was it?

Justin almost didn’t want to know…

The lips of Arachne and her servants were all moving, they were talking about something… about Asura… Justin’s frazzled mind could pick up that much. He had to focus. He had to see where this was going… But how could he focus after that? How could he focus now that he could feel a million spiders crawling amongst all the trees, watching him… always watching him… from the very beginning. 

The things they had to have seen… the things Arachne clearly knew about him… The panic flickering under his skin was being picked up by Asura and blurred into the air only to become more intense, to light this entire forest on fire, until it was only Justin and all his sins on display. They could see, they could all see and they all  _ knew.  _ They knew what he had done. Clawing at his hair Justin’s stomach started to curl inward, going further and further until his forehead bumped against his now bloody knees. 

He had to be watching them, he had to make up for his crimes, he had to justify why he was still here… but he couldn’t look up… he couldn’t get his body to move. Tears bubbled hot and salty out of his eyes and dripped down into the snow, freezing into a pale imitation of the beautiful flurries. 

Moving his hands hesitantly off his head the paused in front of him, clasped in prayer, unable to be pulled apart, frozen in position, frozen in the past. He had to move. He couldn’t be bowing in deference in front to the Kishin of all things… He… He had to get out of this. Standing up on shaky legs he grasped onto the cold rocks trying to straighten his legs. He had survived for a reason. He was alive for a reason. There was no way he’d still be here if there wasn’t something important left for him to do. 

He couldn’t stop.

He couldn’t give up after all of that.

His distressed expression turned into a ferocious glare. He… He was going to kill that witch. No one… He wouldn’t let anyone hold that over him. He’d spill their blood without mercy, he’d show them what it really meant to him. That he knew what game she wanted to play here. He wasn’t as naive as he was, he wasn’t going to lose again. He knew better now. Didn’t he?

Asura’s wavelength suddenly spiked and Justin’s head whipped up to see that Arachne had disappeared into a divot, a cave inside of the mountain. That was where Asura had to be. She had found Asura and now his wavelength was… Another screech thundered out of the cave and Justin’s eyes pinched closed as he tried to hold strong against it. The trees were starting to turn into towering candles, the tops flickering with old flames and heavy smoke… lavender floating through the air.

Asura wasn’t calming down at all, something had to be happening in there, another scream ripped out and the entire mountain shook with the force of it. Dirty blood red prayer beads falling loose and rolling down the mountain before shattering like little bombs and revealing that they had been nothing more than rocks. Justin’s heartbeat was hammering in his ears, everything was falling apart around him… the past was coming through the cracks and clawing at his legs, leaving long red marks on his bare legs, staining his white shorts and the ends of his oversized bell sleeves. 

Screaming in tune with Asura Justin stumbled back watching his choir uniform turn back into his Death Scythe one as he fell backwards, rolling down the cliff with the reverb of Asura’s yells. A confused shout broke through the mountains. Someone had noticed him, Giriko had noticed him… but there was no saying if he had just heard the voice or if he actually spotted Justin. Biting through his lips Justin fumbled his broken body through the brush, ignoring the shattered beads that had stuck into his skin as he moved his scraped knees under him, getting into position so he could  _ run _ . 

Shit was falling apart by the time he managed to throw himself forward, rolling each foot across the uneven ground and pushing himself forward with a spring like motion. Snow was being knocked off the trees like old expired candle wax and the floors were shaking with Asura’s melt down. Justin didn’t slow down for a second, didn’t let the added shouting from Giriko distract him. Soon there’d be no good path back down the mountain… Asura was destroying  _ everything _ . Justin could understand the feeling.

He was stumbling with how fast he was moving down the cliff side, slipping every now and again and catching himself with his arms and shoving himself back to his feet without so much as a pause. He could see his bike now. Escape was right in front of him. He was going to make it back.

Throwing himself onto the bike he jammed his keys in, turning on the ignition and kicking the stereo off. He needed speed here, he couldn’t be wasting energy on overpowered music, he couldn’t be drawing attention to himself like that. It seemed like that ship had sailed though. Giriko broke through the trees with his chained arms and a horribly angry glare, his chest puffed up in rage. 

“You! What the hell are you doing here!?” Looking over at the enraged enchanter that was stomping over with more anger than should exist in this world Justin laughed bitterly, mockingly, clearly making fun of Giriko’s ignorance. The Kishin was here, was it even a question why a DWMA member would be here to check it out? Giriko bristled and moved to get closer. His hand getting ready to grab Justin right off his bike.

“Maybe you’ll find out if you can keep up, or are you dumb enough to not realize it's time to run?” Kicking his brake back Justin started his bike with a deafening sound, ignoring Giriko’s scream for him to stop. He didn’t care what kind of information was left for him to get here, he was getting out while he still could. 

“Justin! You fucking bastard stop!” The shock that came with hearing his name actually stopped him, giving the two of them a second of tense eye contact before he tore himself away and sped off, ignoring the screaming and swearing behind him. Justin’s heart hurt weirdly, an odd curiosity yelling at him for leaving. He ignored it. 

There wasn’t any time left for any of that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok 2 things, one I messed up when Arachne found Asura, it was after Brew not before, I know I screwed that up but this entire fic has been prewritten and I really don't want to redo it for this error. Two, I'm pretty certain Asura was found in Nepal in the Buddhist temples up in the Himalayas, but for the sake of this story and the idea of Justin needing to find him because he was screaming so loud I had to keep him in the Americas. They're in about Montana/Alberta here. (thats what the climate is based off of, you can put them anywhere if you so choose idc)


	8. Role Identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is fairly short but it covers /a lot/ of information. It also deals with a lot of high emotions so this is a warning that this might be best to hold off on if you're not in good place (starting here I plan to give warnings on very intense chapters so keep an eye out in the future ❤) Otherwise, please enjoy!

Justin felt light headed, woozy as he stared holes into the floor of the Death Room, his head bowed in a mixture of respect and shame. In the moment, when he was before Asura himself, he hadn’t had any embarrassment in running with his tail between his legs. The madness that both Arachne’s bullshit and Asura’s freakout had bestowed upon him had his entire body feel as if it's borders were nothing more than radio waves, bending and shaking with every little sound and movement, with every beat of his soul. That madness had  _ needed  _ to break out, to have been turned into energy so he didn’t just explode into a burning painful insanity. 

He had needed to run.

But he also hadn’t.

Anyone else in his position wouldn’t have had to run there, they wouldn’t have had to race off chasing after their sanity. He had. He had to do that and now he was here, face to face with Lord Death without the words “I have”. 

He didn’t have anything. No idea if Asura had ran away like they had wanted, no idea what Arachne had done with him… He came back empty handed. That was something he had never done before. He had never failed like this. He had  _ failed  _ and he didn’t even have the physical damage that would prove his escape was done for reasons other than cowardice. Lord Death’s silence was far too telling about what a mistake that had been. 

He should’ve thrown himself off that cliff just to look the part of someone who really had tried. Well, he really should’ve just tried harder in the first place. His failure was inexcusable, it was the reason he was biting into his lip with all his bubbling volatile wrath and letting the blood pour out in thick rivets and fill his mouth with the taste of burning pennies. He wanted to beat himself unconcious, to kill something, someone just to prove he wasn’t useless now. He was still worthy of this position. 

Letting out a long hot breath a spray of blood came out with it and splattered in tiny pinpricks on his shaking hands. The silence of the death room was killing him. He could feel it grating against his brain like concrete, turning the entirety of his mind into useless mush that was so fucking pointless pointless  _ pointless _ . Rubbing his hands up his face, his fingers hitting the sensitive part of his eyes where they met the nose he let another breath out, shaky and pained. He couldn’t keep doing this. He was going to rip his hair out, throw something right into Lord Death’s mirror so he could see something shatter alongside him… He needed-

“You were lying about this not affecting you, weren’t you Justin?” The words came thundering and accusatory through Justin’s ears. It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. All the anger and hatred inside him was being forcibly pulled out into the conversation now, put down onto a dissection table to be turned into mush with how much it was going to be picked apart. It could never just be left alone. It could never be felt. It had to be fixed because it was wrong. It was wrong. It was always wrong and he’d never just be able to feel things  _ right.  _ People who said there was no wrong way to feel were fucking liars. 

“I suppose it's my fault here as well… I knew you weren’t ok but I needed your service.” Justin could feel his skin burning in anger, the muscles in his back winding up like someone had stuck a fork in him, declared him done and was now twisting all the meat up to eat. A thin strand of drool dripped out the bottom of his lips, his teeth having clenched together at some point with all his rage. He could barely get himself to listen right now, Lord Death could’ve said anything and it would’ve made him mad. Anything would’ve made him mad so this was- this wasn’t something worth being mad over. He had to get control back. He couldn’t be acting like this.

“I understand. I’m only upset I failed you.” The words that came out of Justin’s throat were so forced that it felt like he wasn’t even the one saying them. He felt like a puppet being controlled by his own well hidden, completely drowned common sense right now. What he was saying was the truth but it was far too hard to really believe that. These emotions weren’t him. This anger wasn’t him. He had to remind himself that. He had to remember where he was. Who he was in front of. He felt sick. His stomach rolled with hunger and squeezed on nothing. He needed to throw up. 

“It's okay to be upset about more, but remember that we need you right now. You're the only one we have with practice and control with these types of things.” One of his hands twitched and his neck flicked to the side randomly. The center of the neck was so vulnerable, he could feel the circumference of it burn with where an executed man would feel his blade. Was a man executed once the blade kissed skin or was he in limbo until his head had completely fallen off? Justin wasn’t sure and he had eaten more than a few souls that had ended rolling across the floor. 

“Justin.” The words barely passed through him. He heard them loud and clear but they meant almost nothing. He couldn’t grasp onto the meaning or tone behind it, everything was uncertain and painful and-

A heavy hand fell down on the top of his head, making him freeze solid before looking up with a horrible glare that quickly turned into plain shock when he felt Lord Death’s arm move around his back to hold him. The god’s grasp was warm, but not hot like his hatred and madness was… Justin found everything inside himself start to slowly, hesitantly unwind. He was more paranoid than anything now, scared the madness would come right back and stop him from finally escaping from the pain…

“It’s ok my scythe. You’re going to be ok.” Grabbing back onto Lord Death Justin held himself flush against the god, letting himself ignore how unacceptable this was of him in lue of getting the comfort he so desperately needed right now. Lord Death only hummed in approval and rubbed a much too big hand down his back, drawing out a long shaky sigh out of Justin along with it. He was scared… and upset. The adrenaline in his veins was still there, albeit not as overpowering as it had been. It was making him feel like his body was floating and his skin was vibrating with a quiet panic. He had too much energy but was far too exhausted to use it. 

Justin’s hands knotted tight against Lord Death’s cloak, his grasp weakening every once in a while before tensing back up as he remembered why he was like this, over and over again in an unforgiving rhythm. It had been so long since he had gotten any real rest and his body was starting to pay the price. He wanted to drop into a dead sleep right here and never have to wake up, he wanted so badly for something to finally take this pain completely away so he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. All he got was-

“We’ve decided to assume Arachne did in fact recruit the help of Asura and they have teamed up, we need to be ready for the worst case scenario.” Justin went ramrod straight, trying to pull away so he could face Lord Death with some shred of dignity and take his place back as a respected Death Scythe. The god just held him tighter, not letting him pull away just yet… something was coming. Justin could feel it looming behind him with a thin mocking smile ready to feast upon his soul and drag him back down. There was no peace here, this moment of tenderness was no olive branch. Oh how bitter that tasted.

“We have the mechanics in place to let us fight back efficiently, but first we need to go find BREW, an item Arachne is undoubtedly looking for herself.” The tension was getting unbearable, there was too much build-up for this… Lord Death was talking in a slow patient way, the kind of way you spoke when you knew you were about to say something that the other person wouldn’t take well. Justin lips pursed together, readying himself, as the god took a deep breath and continued.

“It's going to be a hard fight, but you’ll be staying behind this time.” Justin knew it was going to be something he didn’t want to hear, but it still hit him like a hammer caving in the back of his head. He managed to tear himself away to look up at Lord Death with the most betrayed expression he had probably ever made. He was in shock, unable to even speak for a second. He had never been pulled out of the line of duty,  _ never.  _ Not even when he was barely 13 and running around not really sure of what he was doing. 

He really should’ve seen it coming. Well, he couldn’t say that he hadn’t though. In a way he had seen this from a mile away, he had felt something horrible brewing in the atmosphere these past few days. It was impossible for him to not have. This wasn’t the day after everything had happened on that god forsaken mountain. It had been a week, a week after reporting his failure, a week of Lord Death having him standing here in silence to sit with his mistakes and the disappointment he had caused. He had felt like a scolded child in an extremely prolonged time-out, he had been going crazy, he had been expecting this to end in a punishment, but he wasn’t expecting  _ this _ .

Trying to respond, the shock took over Justin’s tongue and made a pathetic laugh come out. It sounded an awful, like a duckling being stepped on, so clearly pained but also hard not to make fun of with the way it the air escaped with a stupid cracked honk. It was embarrassing, but Justin wasn’t able to focus on that, he was far too busy thinking of any way to reverse this decision. He couldn’t stand for this, he couldn’t be put aside, he wouldn’t fade away like that, he wouldn’t turn into nothing more than a guillotine. 

“L-Lord Death, surely you can’t be serious? With Spirit already staying behind with you we’re missing important man power, I need to be out there to help! Marie and Azusa need back-up!” Justin’s voice was panicked, he was sweating with how overwhelmed and stressed that simple idea had made him. Staying behind? Staying behind and doing what? His eyes were spinning as he tried to keep all the thoughts in his head in line. Without even thinking of where he was his hands went up to tangle into his hair in distress. He couldn’t believe this, he didn’t want to believe this.

“Justin calm down, they are more than capable and we need to make sure you're alright before sending you back out.” It stung. It was such a reminder that he was a constant liability that it burnt at his skin like boiling hot water that left blisters on his skin. Every wound, even the ones that had healed over in the past few days, suddenly felt as if they had been laid bare to the world, showing how pathetic he was. Gritting his teeth Justin felt the next words come out before he could stop them.

“But you're going to send Stein, right?” The words were venomous,  _ accusatory _ , said with a malice that was hard to find on Justin. Lord Death himself looked shocked at Justin’s sudden assertive words. It wasn’t like him to  _ ever  _ talk back, but none of this was like him. He wasn’t himself anymore, so who cared? Neither of them were stupid, they both knew what Justin was accusing him of, what it meant to be a weapon versus a meister.  _ Dangerous _ , without meisters they were dangerous. Stein was just a human, he couldn’t do much without a weapon helping him. Justin…? Well he could do whatever he wanted. 

They never liked that. 

_ A guillotine is to be used by an executioner, it doesn’t execute on it's own. _

“My scythe this is for your own good, we aren’t your enemies. Asura’s influence entices an anger that comes from fear. You don’t need to be scared of us.” The anger that had for a blissful moment been tamped down was flickering back to life just like Lord Death was warning him of. It was nowhere near what it had been before but still dangerous. More dangerous actually. It wasn’t screaming at him anymore, it was screaming at  _ Death _ , at his savior. Biting his tongue he tried to remind himself that this was all delusion. It wasn’t working. 

There was a mocking laugh of disbelief building up on the back of his tongue, something that would undoubtedly make people cringe in pity with how broken it would’ve sounded. How insane. Holding it back with a fury the air of it finally dried out the back of his throat and made dry painful coughs fall out of him like a brat that just tried to smoke for the first time. He didn’t need to look up to see what expression Lord Death had on right now. He didn’t need to know what type of display he was making himself into. 

He didn’t need to see pity, he didn’t need to see the detached amusement that proved he wasn’t the same type of human as everyone else. He didn’t need to watch as they laughed at how insane he was, how wrong he acted. He didn’t need to know what the world thought of him. He didn’t need to know what they’d say. He knew it’d only hurt. He knew it’d only remind him he was alone, unable to show the world any hint of who he was without being mocked. 

The first daisy to bloom was always the one that got plucked to be shown around and thrown away. 

“Justin, Justin focus. Focus on me.” The god’s words were firm, said in a way that made it obvious Justin had missed a few comments in the past few seconds. He was losing his grip. The insanity that he had been brewing in the stand-by he was left in the past week was being distilled into a hatred that was so potent that it wasn’t satisfied burning just one bridge. It wanted to destroy  _ everything  _ until Justin was all alone, unable to hate anything because it was all gone. Letting out an animalistic, hot and desperate breath Justin’s lips bent into a pained smile. 

“I need to help them Lord Death, I can’t sit here useless.” The words were masked under a guise of charity, but they were anything but. Justin knew how selfish they were but he refused to give up. He wasn’t going to get caught up in the logistics of this, he just wanted to get his way. He was begging to  _ help  _ for god’s sake, he wanted to help and he was being told he couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed to help in a time of such need because of fucking bullshit. He hadn’t done anything wrong here. He wouldn’t of even made it back alive with the information that Arachne had these dumb plans if he hadn’t run.  

“Look at yourself my child.” He didn’t want to. He didn’t need to. He knew how he looked. But more importantly he knew Stein didn’t look any better. Stein’s deteriorating psyche had been more than apparent even in just the few days Justin had been waiting around. The doctor was falling apart, he looked worse than Justin did, but there was no sense of kinship whenever they caught each other’s eyes. They weren’t suffering together, they were suffering in a self imposed isolation, angry at each for nothing more than existing and showing each other a reflection of who they were with Asura’s influence. Justin hated the man with every fiber of his being, and Stein hated him just as much, but the bastard was really his only lifeline here.

“Lord Death if I must stay back then I implore you to hold Stein back as well. He’s at just as much of a risk as I am, probably more so at this point. I have a hard time believing you haven’t noticed the suffering he’s been going through.” The noise Lord Death made showed his guilt here, he sounded panicked knowing he couldn’t argue against Justin’s point. This wasn’t a case of favoritism though, he wasn’t choosing Justin’s safety over Stein’s or giving Stein free reign because he trusted him more… Justin knew that. Justin wasn’t as dumb as they all thought he was. He knew the game here. He had always known and he was going to put his piece out for the first time. He could play just as well as the rest of them, he had been watching them since before he could remember. 

“Yes well… Stein is an adult, he… er…” It was obvious Lord Death was caught off guard by all of this, he hadn’t been expecting any push back from his most loyal pupil and now he was paying for it. After all, the adult excuse wasn’t anything more than that, an excuse. Justin might not be mature as say, Azusa or Sid who had spent their lives growing to better hold themselves and understand the world… but Stein? Justin was willing to take a gamble and say they were on the same level. He had heard the doctor talk often enough to know the man was trapped in a negative feedback loop that left him going nowhere. 

“Lord Death please! I am only looking to be of use!” Finishing off with a low bow Justin clenched his hands into fists, his arms straight out behind him as he stared into the floor. This was it, he didn’t have many cards left right now… whatever Lord Death’s response was here would be what was going to happen. The god made a noise of discomfort, it was a ray of hope, not a straight out no. Staying in his bowed position Justin remembered the rosary beads that Asura had shattered around him in the delusions as he ran. 

The thing people always forgot about rosaries was that they were held together by metal, they wouldn’t be able to shatter without first breaking their chains. 

“Fine, I want to see you come back in one piece though.” Justin’s eyes practically sparkled as he flew up to look at Lord Death with an unbelievable gratitude. The god didn’t look very pleased by it. Justin found that for once, that didn’t feel as if he had been stabbed. Getting the nod off that he was dismissed Justin moved to leave, to get out before that decision was changed, he only got one step before Lord Death spoke one last reminder.

“And Justin? Don’t forget that here is where you're needed, where you belong.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think after this chapter its important for me to mention again this follows the anime plotline, there will be lots of references to the manga and I won't say that Justin's manga characterization isn't present in the following chapters because it will be, but they're won't be the split that there is in the comics. 
> 
> With that out of the way, next chapter is BREW which I know at least one person has been waiting for... (if they're still reading that is...) So hopefully I do it justice!


	9. Prices to Pay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Chapter 9! Almost halfway there! This one is a bit blah unfortunately but hopefully its still a fun read :)

There was something about islands that sucked just that little bit more than anywhere else. They felt inescapable, like everywhere you turned was dead end because eventually you’d just hit water. They also sucked because they had to be sailed to. Justin stared blankly over the railing of their shitty dispatch ships with a stoic expression. He had thankfully gotten one mostly to himself for the sake of his bike, he was on crowd control and had to move fast around the perimeter of the island without being stopped so his bike, outfitted to be more of a snowmobile now, was the only thing that was going to make that possible. 

Still, despite being almost entirely alone with the exception of a few nobodies that had just missed the qualifications to being elites but were needed for extra manpower, he felt horribly watched. Which he was in a way, the people he was with were very pointedly looking everywhere but him trying to not make a big deal over the fact they were right besides the academy executioner but unable to stop the oppressive fear that came with it. It was obnoxious, but not what was bothering Justin. What was bothering him was the fact that he just fucking knew Azusa was watching him right now. 

They didn’t have anyone on the island yet for her to take stock of everything they would run into there, but she could use her sights to stare right over the ocean at Justin, looking for some evidence that he wasn’t ok and had to be held back. She had made no secret that she was fucking appalled by the fact that Justin had been sent with them, apparently being one of people that had pushed for Lord Death to keep him at the academy. Go figure. Justin had already heard her spiel about how he had to take this seriously and that he shouldn’t be going because they didn’t have the time to baby him and all that other shit. As if he wanted her threatening stare on him the whole time. 

Not that she cared what he wanted. No doubt if he showed any signs of madness before they docked she’d chain him to the boat with a vengeance, saying something about how she didn’t want him in the way because she couldn’t say she was worried. There was a chance she’d do that anyway, even if he acted perfectly normal this whole time. She had been unbelievably pissed with all of this, and Sid wouldn’t stop her from doing it either. It was no secret that no one wanted him here, or at least were indifferent, but he was ignoring that with a fury. He didn’t care if they thought he was a dead weight, he was going to prove he wasn’t. 

Clenching his hand on the handles of his bike one of the men on their boat jumped a foot in fear, only shrinking up more when Justin looked over at him with a subdued glare. He was getting tired of this. He was ready for the action, ready for something to make him feel alive again. After his meeting with Lord Death he had lost steam surprisingly fast, now that he had less at stake everything kind of blended together into a boring haze. He was all but cleaning his fingernails with how bored he was with this, he wasn’t scared of death like the rest of the men going into this battle, he knew he wouldn’t lose. Now that the dust had settled and the madness had died down into a warm blur he knew his strength meant there wasn’t any reason for fear. 

The second they landed and the gates opened for Justin’s bike to drive out onto the snowy ground Justin got on, revving his engine and ignoring the men aboard with him all dive to the side to get out of the way of him. Somewhere in the background, loud enough to break past his headphones, Justin heard Azusa yell at him to wait. He didn’t listen. He could just pretend he didn’t hear it later. He was peeling out of there before anyone could dare stop him. He didn’t need a second debriefing and lecture, he already knew what his job was here.

He knew he was going to pay for that later though, Azusa didn’t take people ignoring her power lightly, especially not Justin. Their relationship pretty much demanded Justin’s deference, which normally he was ok with, because normally he wasn’t being refused his autonomy to work. He’d deal with all of that later though, right now he was aiming for the very top of this dumb oversized overglorified hill. Up there he could see where the enemies were and drive through their troops and force them apart to be easier to tear apart. 

Snow ripped up around him almost instantly, and only went more crazy as he donkey kicked the speakers on his bike with a loud boom. He wasn’t going to slow down for a second, he was going to be the distraction they needed here and show that he wasn’t just disposable in battle. They needed him, his usefulness didn’t start and end in the cramped execution rooms under the academy. There was one more annoyed shout from behind him, but by that time he was long gone, quite literally leaving them in the dust with nothing more than the remains of his music carrying far over the beaches. 

Justin had always said he worked best alone and whether or not that was true he was going to be completely alone here, against hundreds of people who undoubtedly would try to trip him up and be down one Death Scythe. He was a high ticket item and his death would be a great win for them, his life had an inherent value just on the standpoint of how many threats the academy had. He wondered if anyone would take up that challenge. Probably not, Justin highly doubted anyone would chase down his bike knowing who was on top and their slim chance of survival if they did manage to catch the scythe and not just get run over.

Making a hum of annoyance Justin squinted through the snow he was kicking up and the cold air rushing past his face to see the madness field in front of him. There was no goddamn way he was going in there, and they weren’t asking him to thank god, but that was going to be where he was going to start. They’d have the highest concentration of troops up there, up where the item of value was. The DWMA was kind of late to the party here, it was obvious that Arachnophobia was already here, the disrupted snow and heavy tracks proved it. 

That just made Justin’s job easier though. No need to hide and wait for them to get set up, he could just start now. Drifting into position with a malicious smile on his face Justin spotted a blurry group of black cloaks further down the mountain, perfectly placed for him to bowl through. As he reached back to turn up his music louder, a tactic he had ever since he first became a scythe that was perfect to drown out any warnings or plans to help each other, he heard an odd rumble. 

Justin honestly had no clue what it was, and as he looked back to see what it was his eyes widened and his face turned pale. He had accidentally gotten loud enough that the pulsing bass of his music was shaking all the snow off the very top of the mountain, which was now quickly tumbling down to crush him flat onto ice. Seconds in and he had already messed up… that sure was a good sign. Slamming his foot against the gas he leaned forward, sweating in the cold as he started to desperately move to out run the oncoming avalanche. 

The ride was rough, Justin wasn’t dodging any rocks or trying to make this ride any kind of comfortable, he was standing straight up, jumping with each bump and pushing the bike back down with all his leg strength every time it dared to slip with the threat of falling over. Even with his headphones and screaming speakers he could hear the snow gaining on him, licking his heels with frozen ice and getting dangerously close to swallowing his bike whole despite his best attempts to outrun it. With every second Justin could feel the avalanche speed up, the added weight of the snow it was picking up in it's fall adding to it's force, escape was starting to feel impossible.

Taking one particularly big jump that ended with him landing hard enough that his chest knocked against his handlebars and kept him low with a horrible wheeze he saw the group he had originally been aiming for start to look back at the loud dangerous noise approaching them. Justin had a good feeling that the panic on all of their faces when they saw him and the impending avalanche matched the panic he had on his own face. This was a complete mess, Justin wasn’t even thinking about what fight he could be driving into right now, he was just trying to figure out how to survive here. 

“Sorry I turned up my music and seemed to have caused an avalanche!” The men below him started screaming and running around, trying to figure out something to do before they were buried alive, a few of them hiding behind golems, hoping the large ceramic figures would be heavy enough to withstand the rapid weight of the snow. Justin drew back slightly, the panic settling for a moment as he noticed the golems. These were enchanters. Looking around for a certain someone who couldn’t seem to leave him alone Justin didn’t manage to catch his eye before he realized he was heading right off a cliff. 

It was a moment where it felt as if the universe had slowed down, that he had to make a choice or pay the price in his life. He chose the least offensive sacrifice and jumped up off his bike onto the seat, using the thing as a springboard, throwing his blade out with prayer it’d hit the lone tree that seemed to be holding up decently well. The ‘Crack!’ of his blade getting stuck in the branches was a relief, but it wasn’t a promise of safety yet, it still had to support his weight. Swinging back off from off the cliff towards the tree he found himself awkwardly hanging by his forearm, but alive. He was alive.

Staring aimlessly downward, Justin felt himself sway with the wind and the changing balance of his weight in a horrible silence. He could’ve just fallen all the way down there, he couldn’t even see the bottom of whatever ravine was down there. His bike might be gone for good now, there was no telling if he was going to be able to dig it up after all this, or if there was anything left worth digging up…

“Ah, may the Lord have mercy on my bike…” Just the words seemed to spin him around on the chain, adding his apathy at the situation with how dumb it felt. Someone else, the someone else Justin had been looking for just seconds earlier, didn’t seem as lost as he was at the seriousness of all of this though. The sound of screaming broke through Justin’s headphones with a fury and made him look over tiredly. That had been enough of an adrenaline rush for him, he was quite done with yelling and unplanned nuisances now… too bad the biggest one seemed to be stomping right towards him.

“So we meet again.” Giriko seemed to bristle with that, pissed off with Justin even acknowledging him. It was such an overreaction that Justin couldn’t help but roll his eyes. What was he expecting? Some kind of call to action? Justin wasn’t really the type to talk more than he needed to, especially not to enemies. Giriko should be flattered that he was even being remembered as something noteworthy. Swinging his weight forward he went further away from the cliff before swinging back onto the safe ground and retracting his blade in one elegant motion. Giriko looked blood thirsty.

“Is that all you have to say!?” Tilting his head Justin looked to see if Giriko was serious before determining that, yes he was, and sighed horribly. Of course that was all he had to say, was he supposed to have some manifesto for the enchanter? It wasn’t like the man was saying much himself either, or at least nothing of note. Crossing his arms and looking Giriko once over he scowled to see that the avalanche hadn’t seemed to scathe him at all, but on the bright side his entire troop seemed to be long gone. 

“You’re a real brat thinking you can get away acting all high and mighty like this.” Just like before Giriko was starting this out with a one way conversation between himself, assuming all of Justin’s answers because he wasn’t getting any that he wanted to hear. Justin couldn’t get over how much of a moron this man truly was. He supposed that only made sense for someone who spent 800 something years kissing up to Arachne though. He couldn’t exactly be the smartest in the bunch. After all who spent their life seeking out madness? What rational adult would desire the pain Justin felt biting and peeling at his skin?

“This is perfect, I finally have the chance to knock you back to size, to the sniveling little kid you should be.” Moving to a more defensive position Justin heard something in the back head remind him this wasn’t what he was supposed to be doing, but another part said this was his chance to make up for the failure that started all of this… Just the idea of that was enough for Justin to lick his lips in desire, losing himself to the fight already. 

“I’d like to see you try, last time you ran before even giving me a scratch, or do you already forget?” Giriko flinched at the words, but not because they were venomous, he seemed to just be shocked that Justin was talking at all. Justin had never said anything to him that wasn’t a response, and even then it was straightforward, nothing more than just exactly what he was thinking. This was a challenge, something the scythe hadn’t bothered with before. He was taking Giriko up on all his words and the enchanter seemed to be  _ scared _ . 

“I- I had someone to watch over, I couldn’t fucking play around all day with you!” The sheer anger that came off of Giriko with every word was suffocating, Justin had clearly hit somewhere that hurt. More than that though… Justin couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head at the fact that Giriko thought he had someone to take care of there. He knew worse came worse Arachne could defend herself fine, Justin had been stuck with children. He was inarguably at the defense there and he still had the enchanter running. It was pathetic. Giriko was pathetic.

“I’m sure that's what it was, so are you going to keep hyping yourself up like a boy asking their crush out to prom or are you actually going to fight me?” Giriko’s face was red and so filled with anger he looked like a bomb about to go off. Justin seemed to remember when he was little that Sid had tried to catch his interest with a game with walking bombs, he had sat on the man’s lap as he watched Sid play for hours until Azusa came to get him, Giriko looked like one of those. How cute. Something that couldn’t even inspire fear in children. 

“Bastard!” With that incentive Giriko was suddenly flying forward, chains buzzing as he swiped at the scythe with sharp limbs and an aggravated scream. He was moving fast, giving up on every kick he knew wouldn’t land, pulling it back before trying again higher or lower. It was a complete barrage and Justin couldn’t do anything but dodge and block, backing up more and more to try and make enough space to get in an attack of his own. He was tired of this, tired of being patient with this sad excuse of a man. 

Blocking one particular attack Giriko went all out on Justin threw the enchanter off him, making the man huff and struggle to get back on his feet. Justin could attack here… he could probably end it right here… but that wouldn’t be satisfying. Sliding down the snowy hill behind him, away from the cliff and to an area with far more space for them to ‘play’ Justin smiled at Giriko’s horrible glare as he was left in the snow spray that came up off of Justin’s shoes.

“Trying to run away!? Get back here! You can’t outrun me!” Justin rolled his eyes, of course he wasn’t running away, for one thing he wasn’t a coward like the enchanter was, but also he knew he couldn’t get away from Giriko and his chains. With his bike gone he really only had the choice of beating the enchanter or dying. Still, he wasn’t all that worried. Giriko didn’t feel like all that much of a threat at the end of the day. He was more of a time sink, someone who took a long time to make any progress against and had a good chance of running away again with his lack of confidence. 

“I’m not running, I’m doing the opposite. I’m getting ready to fight, are you coming?” Giriko looked shocked, unused to Justin speaking to him in any kind of conceivable way, but nevertheless he followed, like a lamb to slaughter. Something evil, something  _ mad  _ in Justin made a horrible smile twist up his face as the enchanter jumped down to the clearing after him. The second he felt it, that he realized the path he was going down, his smile dropped horribly. His entire face turned into a truly fearsome glare.

This bastard, this enchanter who had devoted centuries to this cause, to making others suffer… Justin couldn’t stand him. He couldn’t stand knowing that this man existed, that he was helping Asura cause such pain in others, in Justin, without remorse. He had to be punished, justice needed to be served here. Justin wasn’t going to let him get away this time. The madness might have convinced him this was nothing more than a game for a second, but now that he was thinking right again he knew how serious this was, what he had to do. 

Almost immediately after landing back Giriko spun against the snow, letting one of his chains snake out under the snow and twirl around him, trying to snag one of Justin’s ankles and pull him down under. He wasn’t wasting anytime, he didn’t want to play, he was going right for the heart, he wanted to  _ win.  _ Justin only jumped, as if he was playing the most dangerous version of double dutch and tried to land on top and use the enchanters own chain to hold him down for an execution. 

There was a suffocating anger in the air, a bloodlust coming off of both in them in plumes that got ripped out of them and pulled into the madness field spinning relentlessly in the background. Justin wondered absently if this fight was really in search of a victory or justice, or if it was just to appease the choking madness that was starting to affect them all. He didn’t let himself dwell on it too long. Nothing but this fight mattered right now, and as Giriko pulled back his chain right before Justin managed to stomp it down in its tracks he moved forward to finally attack the enchanter head on.

Giriko looked almost shocked, Justin hadn’t really done much but defend in their previous fights, before he had a command to bring Giriko back alive… too bad he didn’t care about that anymore. Justin could already tell that Giriko would kill himself before he got brought back to the academy anyway, he certainly had something fearsome waiting for him there. Which only made sense, Lord Death wouldn’t have asked for him otherwise. Justin could cut out the middle man for them all, make it easier for everyone and just slice the enchanter’s head off now.

If he could land a hit though. Giriko was fast, dodging each one of the scythe’s sharp, cutting punches with an impressive speed and ducking down to spin his legs around again trying to trip Justin up and leave him prone. Justin only huffed as he was forced to jump back to avoid the tearing chains that seemed to melt the snow with the amount of heat they were whipping up. The stand off they had, both catching their breath and feeling the ice cold air burning their lungs, was  _ toxic _ .

“You're never going to get anywhere with those headphones you know? All your attacks follow the beat perfectly.” Clicking his tongue Justin leaned back slightly, getting out of his attack position and seemingly lowering his guard. Giriko wasn’t wrong, but the alternative was too deadly for this fight. Justin wasn’t going to take the bait here, he wasn’t going to show his worst face to this nobody. No one needed to see that side of him, and Justin was too merciful to make that someone’s final moments. Giving a piteous laugh he shook his head and looked back at the aggravated enchanter. 

“You can’t trick me, you’re just trying to get me to take off my headphones because you want them for yourself don’t you?” It was a joke but Giriko seemed to take it at face value, screaming something about him being a freak dumbass whatever. Justin could only sigh, what an idiot he was dealing with here. It was honestly impressive how out of touch he was, maybe his 800 something years really were on full display right now. Justin didn’t get a chance to truly appreciate the fossil he was being presented with right now though, soon enough Giriko was flying forward, only stopped by Justin suddenly moving to shoot.

“Enough of this, I’m ending this now!” Giriko froze like a deer in headlights as Justin shot out his silver cross, sending the enchanter flying back into a bank of snow with a loud crunching sound as more fell on top of him. It was a pathetic sight and Justin only scoffed as he stood back up to his full height, leering into the pile of snow and waiting for Giriko to reemerge. He wasn’t dead, Justin hadn’t charged his shot up enough to kill even a bunny, Giriko was just hiding like a child. When his head finally popped out Justin couldn’t do anything but scowl. 

“Stop playing in the snow and come out here, I don’t have all day.” Justin was serious when he spoke each word, but Giriko didn’t seem to respect that. He stayed in the snow, almost shrinking further into it in fear. Justin could feel his temper spike horribly. Fine, if Giriko wanted to die over there then it was just as well. Starting over there Justin let his stomach hollow out and his arms turn an inky black as he got ready to execute. Giriko was pathetically weak. This fight was a joke, this execution was almost not worth it. What a waste of time, what a waste of space… why did this man even bother to exist?

Giriko was sweating, his eyes were narrowing into pin pricks with his fear. He was scared, he was a coward, he had the same face of every other executed sinner… up until there was a flash of realization, of hope, an idea, a denial, an expression Justin had only seen once before, from one other person… stumbling back he watched as Giriko and his horrible, painful, familiar, awful face fell back into the snow, disappearing all at once before appearing behind him with a sadistic smile. 

Justin spun around to cut a fatal gash across his stomach, only to find that his blade went all the way through and sent a white ball of nothingness onto the floor to melt back into the snow. A couple more popped up all around him, all in a circle, all smiling at him, mocking him… Snowmen… Justin looked around at the puppets, considering them all for a second, their expressions were unmoving in the worst possible way. It made this all seem more like a dream than reality. As if to supplement that, the world flickered between white snow and black hallways. The Giriko fakes moving from wearing down jackets to heavy robes. Justin clenched his jaw, his entire body tensing up as the world seemed to press down upon him. He had to end this.

“These are nothing but cheap knock-offs.” The firm reminder of reality let him lash out with a quick flick of his blade, watching the blackened world fall apart around him with each of the dolls, turning back into an empty field of snow, Giriko long gone. Everything was gone. The silence felt wrong after all of that… there should be  _ more _ . Justin felt his chest move with a heavy pained sigh as he looked around, making sure he was alone and no ambush was about to happen. There was no one… 

“How disappointing.” Moving back towards where everyone else would be Justin felt a black tar fall over him, pasting down his hair to his face and making it hard to breathe. The world he had managed to rip apart had been liquefied and was now pouring over him in a thick syrupy madness that would never leave him alone, would never scrub clean. Giriko had left him with all this aggression, all this for a fight that just landed flat, left him nowhere. He was alone again, with no conclusion, no answers, no sense of success. He was still lost in the madness, still failing because he was dealing with a  _ coward  _ that couldn’t-

“Justin-” Spinning around Justin brought his blade out without even thinking, he was ready to spill blood he didn’t even look before he got ready to execute. He needed stimulation, he needed to use the overpowering adrenaline still feeding into his veins, he needed for this aggression to go somewhere. He wanted it gone, he wanted it out of him. This wasn’t him, he needed it to go away. He wasn’t ok. He wasn’t normal. He wanted to scream because he was left with so much and yet he felt so empty that he didn’t know what to do. He was better than this! He was strong and powerful! He didn’t lose and yet….!

Blinking back the blindingly hot madness Justin realized where he was, who had called his name… and all the anger disappeared like a candle that had been blown out. Azusa was looking at him with an unbelievable anger of her own and immediately he knew he was in more trouble than he had ever been in before. That wasn’t even what he was worried about though. Looking down at the snowy ground with wide eyes Justin felt the cold biting at his skin and tried to remember when he had even gotten here. He… He was losing his grip. He had just tried to attack Azusa… his ally, his friend… 

Suddenly he felt two arms come up under his own, latching them backwards and dragging him back to one of the boats. He didn’t even fight it, he felt empty, he felt like a stranger in his own skin. He had no idea what was going to happen to him, no idea what was happening to him. His eyes met Azusa’s again and he swore she could see his fear.

He got no pity in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm stupidly proud of this I'm going to point out that almost all the lines in this chapter are straight from the anime with no editing from me :^) I think I incorporated them well. Also the next 2 are my favorite couple of chapters... I can taste them. Yes I'm excited...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm Cola and I don't know how to be brief to save my fucking life. I also have a lot of feelings and headcanons about Justin so here we are. Also I promise Giriko is in this he just takes a bit to show up, if you want to skip ahead to the gay go straight to Loew as this is the prequel to that P: 
> 
> (Also I know Loew isn't finished yet but I realized as I was writing that there's some much needed context from Justin's side. So in order for Loew to make sense I'm making this)


End file.
